Lesson in Reality TV

What did I learn this week in reality TV? I think a common theme was, "If you can't be a role model, you can at least be a horrible warning."

I watched that train wreck known as Celebrity Rehab, and I give Brigitte Nielsen the best chances for rehabilitation. She admitted her drinking, she admitted her faults, she is committed to her children, and the only drinking footage they were able to salvage was old since she has not drunk in a while.

Dr. Drew has his work cut out for him. Chynna Doll insists that she has no drug or drinking problems; she doesn't even know why she's there. She kicked her habits a long time ago (as they show her prancing around in her undies at midnight).


Daniel Baldwin has been to rehab many times. He knows the drill; he knows what to say; he knows what a rehabbed person is supposed to sound like, and you get the feeling that he's going to fake his way through rehab.

Mary Carey is a porn star who promised her mother that she would clean up her act (her mother committed suicide). She shows up drunk in a skirt up to here and her shirt unbuttoned to there. She's got a suitcase full of dildos and porn, which they confiscate. They tell her that she can wank; she just can't have any electrical stimulation.

Jamie Foxworth will probably be easy. Her drug of choice is weed, and she smokes a blunt every hour. Dr. Drew mentioned something about marijuana withdrawal syndrome, where apparently they turn into ravening beasts, but so far she seems very mellow. Maybe she's still stoned.

Shiffty gives off the air of just being incorrigible. He saunters in, not drunk, but freely admitting that he has a few Red Stripes in his backpack. He just seems like one of those people who, no matter how good they have it, will always do something to mess it up. He sabotages himself.

I must have been in the bathroom when they brough Ricco in. I don't remember him at all. Jessica Sierra is just a sad girl. She'll probably be easy.

Jeff Conway...? Poor Jeff. He had to be brought in the house in a wheelchair. They drove up with him drinking Dom Perignon. He and his girlfriend have this symbiotic Amy Winehouse vibe, where they are both addicted to the drugs and each other. He actually started crying when he found out that she was not going to be able to visit often. They later had to bring him to the hospital when he started having hallucinations. It was so not pretty. He is definitely the horrible warning.

On Project Runway, the horrible warning was someone whose clothes I actually liked: Kit. But her execution was cheap and sloppy. You're in the top eight, girlfriend! You can't afford to be cheap and sloppy.

And on the Bad Girls' club, the Hyena sisters try to set a good example by cleaning up, and by having a house meeting. However, Lyric, the flake who made off with someone's purse, just can't think about cleaning. She's got to think about her court date! And the rest of them are cool with all the flies buzzing around. So they strike back by being even nastier than you ever imagined: peeing in the kitchen sink, spitting in various items in the refrigerator, putting various food items in their underwear then putting it back in the fridge and pantry -- UGH! They call this striking back, but it's really more of showing their true colors: low and disgusting.

So we have learned that if you're going to do something, commit to it from jump. Don't hold on to bad habits. Put everything you have into what you're doing instead of settling for okay.

And for heaven's sake, bring your own butter and refuse anything that hasn't been cooked when you visit any of these girls.