Ask Me Instead: Old Lovers and Old Habits

Dear Dr. Tracy,

What is your opinion on maintaining contact with former lovers after marriage? I've never doubted my husband's devotion, yet it still bothers me when he sends birthday cards, "keep in touch" letters & occasionally telephones several women that he's at one time been sexually intimate with. He says he understands my feelings, but then says he doesn't like to feel restricted in his actions. This makes me feel resentment & I wonder if my feelings of jealousy stem from my own insecurities or if his actions are inappropriate for a married man. I should say that I have no such feelings re his platonic women friendships and that my husband (of 3 years) is truely a caring person & not on the prowl. Thanks very much.

Dear Bothered,

Since you've never doubted your husband's devotion, I don't understand why you are so bothered by an occasional contact he has with his ex-lovers. After all, they are ex, not current. You have him and those other women don't.

The fact that he has maintained friendly relationships with his ex's shows his good character and his ability to be a nice guy even when the relationship didn't work out. It also shows that he didn't do anything so terrible to them that they never want to talk to him again. The women he loved before helped make him into the man you love today. So instead of being jealous and uncomfortable, be happy he's who is is. Instead of criticising him for his contacts, make friends with his ex's yourself.

I received a call recently from a lover I was involved with in the 60's, and my husband greeted him like an old friend on the phone. He has visited us and stayed in our home and my husband appreciates the warm relationship I have with him. My old lover represents a part of my past, my misspent youth, and many memories that are important to me. Since my husband knows that, there's no jealousy involved.

I am also friends with my husband's ex-wife. In addition, my husband, like yours, keeps in touch with some of his old lovers and female friends. All that's just fine with me. Like your husband, mine is a truly caring person and not on the prowl. So I don't worry about his contacts at all.

You've only been married three years compared to my 24 years. So think about it: my husband and I have kept our friendships with old lovers for all those years. Maintaining those friendships is actually something to be proud of, and as the years go by, I'm sure you'll begin to feel that way too.

Stop trying to control your husband's contacts with his old lovers. You're his wife. You have status they never achieved. So be gracious and generous. You'll get a lot further that way than by being small and jealous.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy:

Perhaps you just aren't aware of the statistics, but many affairs after marriage are with people who knew each other before marriage. Many an affair has begun with nostalgic trips down Memory Lane. And if you need any further evidence, I can introduce you to at least a couple of people whose 30-year marriages were broken up by the re-introduction of the high school sweetheart. This young woman doesn't even have the passage of time -- she's only been married for 3 years, which means that she and her husband are probably young -- and he is still keeping contact with women that he had sex with as recently as 3-4 years ago. That inability to let go of past relationships would make me question his ability to commit to anything deeply at all, much less just how enmeshed he was in these women's lives.

But let's suppose for a minute that this is the case. He is with a woman who has supposedly "won." If she has won, why doesn't she feel like a winner? Because his actions diminish and demean her. If he really cared about her feelings, he would not do such things. His focus would be on restructuring his relationships in such a way that the woman he "picked" would feel honored and treasured, like she has won a prize rather than has been put on the shelf like an honorable mention.