Ask Me Instead: Burning Passion

I was looking for bad advice that I could rewrite, and I didn't find any. That is to say, I procrastinated and probably could have found something if I had taken my task more seriously (mea culpa!).

However, in my search, I did find a collection of advice that one particular "agony uncle" was having problems answering. Most of the pleas for help left me stumped, but I did manage to find one that I have some small experience dealing with.

My wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and take part in some pretty heavy activities. One we haven't tried but are anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous membranes, e.g., nostrils, clit, and anal tissues. Our question: What would we use to cool the burn should the application of Tabasco sauce to her anus or clit prove to be too much for her to endure?

Master & Servant

Dear M & S:

When I was younger and dumber, my sister and I rubbed jalapenos on our bare arms on a dare. Blisters quickly ensued, even with the immediate application of soap and water. As an adult, I rubbed capsaicin creme into my aching joints, then decided to soak in a tub for further relief. I spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in a sheet with aloe vera gel slapped all over my burning body. Capsaicin and moisture do not mix. The very thought of applying Tabasco to a perpetually moist environment makes my ovaries shrivel. The only thing that I can think of that would ease the burning (and this includes nostrils) would be a suicide pill. Step away from the pantry, please....