TV REVIEW: Real Chance of Love Episode 6

This synopsis will be more like an impressionis because I was deathly ill Monday night. I had time to watch and be entertained, but I did not take any notes. Nonetheless, can I get an Amen that Kiki is gone??? She's annoying, whiny, and looks like she might be severely high maintenance.

I also applaud Real's devotion to Milf, an older woman like myself, but I also have to ask the question: what the heck does he see in this woman??? She is broken down and always looks to' up. Anyhow, onto the show...

The show picks up where the last one ended, with Rabbit doing pissed-off imitations of Chance. Seeing as how Chance has already lost some of Rabbit's attention due to his acting like a jackass, he decides that he must solidify his reputation as a jerk by coming out and yelling at ALL of the girls. Risky follows him upstairs and woo-woos him into thinking he's really not so much of a jerk as he is misunderstood. Yeah.

For the challenge, the girls must decorate cars to see who can come up with the flyest ride for their boys. They are divided up into the pinks and the grays. Before they head out to the challenge, Bay bay bay makes it her personal mission to get Milf kicked off. So first she talks to all the girls individually and tells them of her plans, and then she starts talking smack in the limo. I applaud your courage, Bay bay bay, but Real and Chance have tolerated Kiki and Bubbles for all this while. They're not going to get rid of Milf just because she gets loud.

Anyhow, you've got Team Pink (Bubbles, KO, Risky, and Kiki) and Team Gray (Rabbit, Bay bay bay, Milf, Cornfed, and Cali). Team Pink completely ghettofies their car, complete with decals of Real and Chance in goofy poses. They should have stopped with the bling on the hood and had a gold theme. Proving that less is more (especially when it involves more of the Gray girls wearing less clothes and high heels to show off the cars), Team Gray wins the date. Bay bay bay is pissed off because Milf refused to participate until Bay bay bay apologized (which she didn't), so now Milf is going on a date after having done no work to get there.

To make matters (jealousy?) worse, the guys announce that they will each pick one girl for a solo date, and take the others out the next day. Chance picks Cali, and Real picks (surprise!) Rabbit. This sends the other Real girls into a tizzy. Rabbit and Real try to have some deep conversations or even some NORMAL conversations, but every time they speak more than two sentences to each other, they get the stink-eye from Chance. Cali is perturbed that Chance is not paying attention to her and being all rude. Real gives Rabbit his coat and she makes the comment that Chance would not have done that for her. Sure enough, cut to Cali and Chance both shivering, Chance saying, "MAN it's cold!"

Once the date is over, a swarm of women wrapped in blankets and wearing bed-head before bedtime invade Real's bedroom to complain about Milf. Real listens, but he really wants Milf to give him head. I mean, he wants to hear it from her head, er, her mouth.

The next day is a Spa Day, and Chance realizes that all the remaining girls are Real girls. He elects to stay behind and try to schmooze his way back into Rabbit's good graces. So while Rabbit puts up a good front in confessionals talking about how Chance is really going to have to work his way back, she ultimately succumbs. I am so disappointed; I thought Rabbit was smarter and classier than that.

Anyhow, Bay bay bay uses her time to bitch about Milf. Milf uses her time to defend herself. Cornfed offers Real a massage, and he is so touched. She reminds him of his mother (which could be a pretty creepy comparison).

At elimination, Milf is out of sync in this ill-fitting dress that's almost matronly -- but you can see her undergarments. It's a weird combination. It comes down to Milf and Kiki. While Kiki is spouting off about Milf, Milf is quietly "defending herself." All the girls are shocked when Real picks Milf over Kiki. Kiki's "little girl from the hood" act finally wore out its welcome.

ASK ME INSTEAD: Why can't my husband's family forgive me?

When I found out about my husbands 7 year affair,he and I both did and said bad things to each other.
When he wouldnt leave I told him I would shoot him..(Ive never shot a gun in my life)
When I caught him with her again I took 9K in cash advances off our credit cards and put it in a safe deposit box.Ended up using it ,with his knowledge to pay bills during our seperation.
When his sister told me she had helped him keep the affair a secret for 7 years all i said was "why"
when his 2 sisters and BIL came to court on her( OW) ppo agaisnt me all I said was "you should be ashamed"
when his neice had her(OW) to dinner with the family I said"how do you teach morals and 10 commanments to your children"we are still married.
His mother told me 2 weeks after I found out that she knew I wasnt that stupid so i must have known,and 6 months later,when I asked for help with a nursing home for my dying mother she treated me like a dog and hung up.
This is the only contact we had .
My husband came home 5 weeks ago and told me Im not allowed at his familys functions as they need to heal and forgive me.
He will be leaving me,our 3 year old g.granddaughter and my dying mother home as he celebrates Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family.
Says he will cut it short so we can do "something" too.
Am i wrong to feel betrayed again?
I realize when families get involved its not easy,but if he can "forgive" me,why couldnt they?
And how can I ever forgive them for what they did then and what they are doing now.
Is there something I am not realizing in all this?

Sincerely, Barely Breathing

Dearest Barely,

Not only are you barely breathing, you are barely thinking. That husband of yours is a symbol of the toxicity in his family. This woman has a PPO against you -- and your husband is not only keeping contact with her, but wants credit for doing this AND refuses to support you anymore! He's a louse of a parent who is going to leave his daughter behind on the holidays so he can go run with the people who supported his infidelities for 7 years! Do you have any doubt that OW will be there sitting front and center and that's why you aren't invited? Grow a pair, and kick this asshole AND his family to the curb! You will feel much better for it.

TV REVIEW: Tim Gunn's Guide to Style on Erica Mollica

Here we meet Erica Mollica, who wants to be a "wow" and not just an "enh" for her engagement party to Terrence Garraway. Tim and Gretta notice very quickly that she likes to wear capris, which Erica explains is because of her height. Regular pants just don't fit her properly. Tim also notes that Erica exposes way too much of her midriff, and that her outfit screams, "I am 14 years old." He doesn't know it yet, but there's a definite reason for this.

Tim asks her to dress head to toe in the outfit she wants to wear for her engagement party. She comes out in some very low-cut pants, a teeny-tiny short, and a loose mandarin-collared jacket with no lines and a very strange pattern. She reveals her "surprise:" the pants have square cut-outs with diamonique circles. Tim pronounces it to be "disarmingly vulgar."

Erica's posture is very slouchy, which Gretta says sends both an external and internal message of low self-esteem. Tim asks Erica when she achieved her first great height. Erica says that she shot up to 5'10" as a freshman in high school (hence, the 14-year-old outfits). She obviously still has not shed the baggage associated with being that gawky, awkward teenager.

As they go through Erica's closet, they note that much of it is too small: shirts too short, pants cut off as capris. They do find a wrap dress that Gretta wants to make over and a red dress that they think will look stunning on Erica -- and it does! But she's still slouching. They take all the rest of her clothes away in an attempt at a "fashion detox."

Now it's time to fit the foundation. Erica has never been fitted for a bra before, and doesn't really feel the need because her boobs are small. She finds out that she is actually a cup size smaller, which is really disappointing to her, "like being a guy and finding out that your penis is smaller than you thought it was." She hated the idea at first, but after they get some bras that fit, she begins to like it better and better. The new bras accentuate her breasts and her figure instead of merely covering them up. She now has angles!

Tim's goal for Erica is that he wants her to embrace and flaunt her height. So at his loft, they input her measurements into the computer, and wham! Here's Erica. She's not impressed; she is actually embarrassed. Tim tells her that he wants to address her posture. He turns the image to the side so she can see her hunched-over shoulders, and informs her that even if they get the clothes right, they still may not look good because of the way she holds herself in.

So then he shows her with her old clothes on so that Erica can see what everybody else does. She is horrified by the image ("Hooray!" from Tim). He then shows her some good things that she can wear, and some other things that she needs to look for. He presents her with a pair of 5-inch stilettos and commands her to walk in them. To no one's surprise, she just kind of ambles around in them and feels very awkward. To help her get over that, Tim has invited a very special person to help her get over that: supermodel Tyson Beckford. Erica melts into a little puddle on the floor, but picks herself up as Tim leaves them alone fo her to practice her walk. She's still no model on the runway, but she is at least starting to hold her head up high.

Erica's visit to In-Style is pretty much an overwhelming experience for her. She tells Katrina Szish that her goal is to accentuate her height in a positive way. Katrina tells her that they have been informed that she is going to Bali for her honeymoon, so they have put together a fun beach bag for her. They are giving her a halter-top swimsuit, which she can adjust to feel comfortable in, two bikinis, a towel, some reading material, and a beach bag. After all of that, Erica is touched and comments that this has been a really good day. But the work and the subsequent epiphany is still to come.

The next day is shopping for all of the essential items. At first, the shopping goes very, very badly. Erica confides that she has never spent this long shopping. She gets easily frustrated by the lack of clothes that fits and she would have already thrown up her hands and gone home. Tim comes to join them and suggests that they start trying things on. Gretta thinks that Erica is already anticipating disappointment and that is why she is so wound up. The trying on of clothes starts out as a beastly task, but it seems to be exactly what Erica needs. She notices immediately what looks bad on her.

Then she finds Them: the jeans that look good and feel good. She says that the capris have finally left the building, and suddenly, everything else that she tries on looks really amazing. She's even wearing the stilettos now.

Now that she has gotten a taste of everyday fashion, it is time to meet the fashion design star, Ygal Azrouel. Erica has never been in such a high-end store before, and she feels that now she has attained that "ultraglamourous moment." She tries on dress after dress in which she looks good and exudes confidence, so much so that Ygal is impressed with it. He wants to give her one of his dresses as a gift and she tears up because all she wanted was to try them on. Tim tells her that the best way to choose is to pick the dress that she cannot live without.

At the John Frieda Salon, it is time for hair and makeup. Harry Josh wants to add color to her hair, both to hide a few gray strands and to add texture to her hair that color provides. After the makeup stylist is done giving her some amazing eyes and makeup tips, Harry blow drys her hair with a diffuser, then applies a large curling iron for large waves.

Back at Tim's loft, Tim and Gretta ooh and aah over her new look (and she really does look good), then give her two presents. The first is her wrap dress with shorter sleeves, and the second is a pair of sweaters she had that have been made over into sweaters for stuffed animals, one dog named Gretta and one named Tim. It's time for the fashion show.

Erica is completely surprised when she opens those doors and sees everyone near and dear to her sitting out there, including her fiance' who cannot take his eyes off of her. As she goes through her outfits, he gets progressively more excited and definitely wowed by her look. Tim and Gretta ask her mother why she feels that it took Erica so long to build up to this moment. Her mother says that Erica was always a person to think about other people, and she is finally thinking about herself. Aw, cher.

She has one final outfit, the dress she will be wearing for the engagement party. As she is getting dressed, Tyson Beckford and Ygal Azrouel join the crowd. By this time, Terrence says that his heart is popping. Amid the smashing success of her wardrobe, Tim and Gretta have a gift for her, a pair of flowery earrings studded with diamonds by Laura M to symbolize the transformation she has undergone. But that's not it; they have also flown in her maid of honor, her sister. Erica bursts into spontaneous tears, since she was just thinking that the one person that she wanted most to see her transformation wasn't there, and now she is. So there is bubbly and tears all around.

Once again, Fairy Godfather Tim Gunn and Greta Monaghan change the world one person at a time -- through fashion.

TV REVIEW: Top Chef Episode 2

The chefs are already down to 15 and it's only the second elimination challenge. Ariane is already feeling the burn -- she is older than everybody else and less knowledgeable (and from the looks of it, less desiring to learn, too). Stefan proclaims that his biggest challenge is Fabio, and Fabio says that Stefan is his. He says that it is cool with him that Stefan is winning some challenges, because it's not how many dragons you kill, it's who takes home the princess.

Padma walks into the kitchen with their guest chef for the day, Donatella Arpaia, celebra-chef and owner of three renowned restaurants. Padma announces that for the Quickfire challenge, they will have to cook a classic New York dish, but in a Top Chef first, they will not only be competing against each other, but they will be up against a master. The Master rolls her little hot dog stand in and the chefs start to panic. They actually have to make a hot dog that's good enough to stand against a New York idyll. Ariane hasn't made a hot dog since charcuterie class. Hosea has never made one. Fabio loves hot dogs, but can he make one? No! (Those previous two sentences must be said with a strong Italian accent and a few hand gestures).

On the losing end, there's Jill's summer roll hot dog (which uses commercial hot dogs) and Stefan's Italian sausage pannini, which is not hot dog-like at all. Stefan says, "Whatever. I'm boiling; I'm upset." At the other end, Radhika's kabob-style hot dog with Indian flavor, Hosea's short and chunky pork hot dogs with bacon and hot peppers, and Fabio's Andouille sausage get top marks, but Radhika, who had said that she wasn't going to rely on her Indian background because she didn't want to be typecast, walks away with immunity.

Notice, I'm not hating on Radhika for using her Indian culture, AT ALL. In fact, it seems to serve her much better to do that than when she tries to be a frou-frou chef. As we shall see later on in this wpisode.

Once they announce the winner, it is time to move on to the Elimination which is to open a Top Chef restaurant. They must serve a 3-course New American lunch menu, which Jamie says is classic American flavors taken to the next level. Their audience will be 50 New Yorkers. After Padma and Donatella leave, there is pandemonium with people shouting out what they are going to do. Finally, Jeffrey takes charge and doesn't so much divide people up as he tells them to shut up and actually get down to business. Once that's done they head out for the store which is overrun with soccer moms. Add 15 enthusiastic chefs to the mix and it looks like they're "trying to rob the place," as Jeffrey observes.

Everybody is scrambling to find the ingredients for their dishes. Hosea has a specific appetizer in mind, but the store does not sell Dungeness crab. He settles instead for canned crab. Fabio does not compromise on filet mignon for his beef carpaccio. Jill sees an ostrich egg and decides that she wants to try to stand out with an unusual ingredient. But as Jamie's safe, there's a big gap between playing it safe and playing it ridiculous, and Jill is playing it ridiculous. She can't even crack the egg once they get back to the kitchens.

The sections have two hours to prep. The appetizer section works really well together, and it shows. Tom Colicchio comes in and announces that they are cooking at his restaurant, Craft. He also tells our hapless crew that their customers will be 50 New York chef who tried out for the show, but did not make it (cue the dun-dun-dun-DUN! disaster music here). On that note, the chefs head back for the apartment.

Fabio and Stefan continue their bromance, complete with slaps and insults at home. Fabio confides that they are getting close, but he will still be pissed off if Stefan wins. On the romance side, Leah and Hosea are also doing the slap and tickle thing. Well, actually it's mostly Leah, who claims that she has to have a boyfriend, or else she goes a little crazy. Judging by Hosea's aloofness, he might get some, but that's all he's after.

Most of the chefs are nervous about having to cook in a new restaurant, much less Tom Colicchio's restaurant, but they relax once they get in there. The kitchen is nicely sectioned off, and everybody has a nice work area. Ariane, in the meantime, is running around asking people about her lemon meringue martini. The nice people all tell her it is too sweet, but does Ariane listen and remake it? Absolutely not. Daniel the snake confides that he's not going to help Ariane at all and tell her that it's good because this is a competition. Like Ariane would not be going home anyway. The diners come in and you know you're dealing with a hostile crowd when they start bitching just reading the menu! These people are out for blood.

Tom Colicchio and Damon Wise, his chef will be expediting the tickets. There are a few people for whom they have to wait, some with good effect, some not so good. Hosea's canned crab is definitely not a crowd pleaser, nor are Leah's sandy seared scallops, Jill's gluey ostrich quiche, Ariane's appalling sweet lemon meringue martini (Padma spits it out), Hosea's canned and off-flavored crab, and Radhika's puzzling avocado mousse. The judges comment that they know Radhika has immunity for that dish. They are ambivalent about Melissa's boring grilled avocado, Eugene's decent but sloppily presented meatloaf sandwich, Alex's bland pork tenderloin, and Richard's banana bread-peanut butter sandwich (which Donatella says is an afterschool snack). The high marks from both the diners and the judges go to Jamie's corn soup, Fabio's beef carpaccio, Stefan's pan-seared halibut, Jeff's chicken with honey mustard, Daniel's pound cake, and Carla's apple tart.

After service is over, Tom joins the judges at the table and says that the evening went really well -- except for some bad food. He notes that New American style has come along so far in the past 20 years, and many of the chefs dragged it right back. He is very disapointed in many of the dishes, especially since last week was so promising.

There aren't any real surprises at judges table. Tom calls in Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Carla, Jill, and Fabio and tell them that they represent the best and the worst. They inform Carla that her pastry is excellent and they wished she had worked in the cheddar a little better, but her pastry places the dish over the top. Then they turn to Fabio and ask him about his dish, and he starts going off about how he makes hundreds of these a week, and he doesn't understand what went wrong. As soon as they can get a word in edgewise, they tell him that they loved his dish. The beef was great, and the olives that he treated specially took the dish to another level. They also liked Jamie's corn soup. It was good and had a bit of a texture to it, so it tasted like good fresh corn. After only a teensy bit of deliberation, Fabio is pronounced the winner. Despite his earlier speech about slaying dragons, he is really excited about winning the challenge and exults in Italian, noting that Europe is tying up the competition.

And now for the bad news. Hosea really doesn't understand why he's there. Tom then gives him a list: too sweet, missing salt, ingredients didn't mesh together well. Padma says that his dish was almost universally panned by the other chefs. They tell Ariane that her dish was not interesting and did not stand out. Padma also notes that it was violently sweet, and she spat it out. Jill's ostrich quiche, says the judges, was not very distinguished and the flavors did not go together well. They ask Jill what her thought process was. Jill starts babbling about time and her nerves and she really doesn't know what went wrong. Then they ask her what she would do differently and she starts babbling about time and her nerves and she really doesn't know what went wrong (that's not a typo; she really did just stand up there babbling the same thing over and over, no matter what they asked her).

They send them away to deliberate, and Padma notes that Jill's defense was the lamest in 5 seasons, and the judges already know how she feels about Ariane. Gail says that what was so wrong with Hosea's dish was that she couldn't really pinpoint anything; it just tasted bad. Tom has problems with the fact that Hosea couldn't pin down anything wrong. So they call them back in to make their announcements.

Tom tells Hosea that he's too complacent considering his competition. He tells Ariane that the competition is too close for her to be so-so. And his note to Jill is that having a good idea is not good enough if you can't execute it properly. In the end, it is Jill's gluey ostrich quiche that has to go. While Jill drones on about opportunities and finding herself as a chef, Ariane is bawling because she is once again in the bottom. Hey, somebody has to be there, right? And if you're going to continue to ignore other people's advice, you'll be there again next week.

BOOK REVIEW: Good Luck by Whitney Gaskell

Ever had one of those days when everything goes wrong? Lucy Parker is having one of those days.

She loses her job due to a conniving student, loses her boyfriend to a a woman with a belly ring and fake boobs, and loses her car to mechanical failure.

Before she can quite take it all in, however, she wins several million dollars, enough money to start all over again and recreate herself as a new person. As she embarks on her shiny new life, however, she encounters the age-old question of if you can really run away from your problems. And whether happiness is something that you can really put a price tag on.

While you may be sitting there gagging at the sticky sweetness of the sappy moralistic storyline, let me assure you that I really did enjoy this book. It might not be Wuthering Heights, but who wants it to be??? I give it 3 packs of Dunhills and a bag of Senseo Coffee pods.

BOOK REVIEW: Foul Play by Janet Evanovich

'Oh, cruel fate / That brought me to select this book / As my eyes so quickly pas'ed o'er / Swoon'



If you'll forgive my crappy writing, I'll forgive Janet Evanovich the publication (and outrageous expensive price) of this book. Well, I may not forgive the price.

I pulled this book off of the shelf, thinking that it was a continuation of Evanovich's most recent series, the Plum Holidays. I thought both of them were Evanovich's funniest in a very long time, so when I saw a turkey with Evanovich under it, I grabbed it off of the shelf.

That was my downfall, for this book was a complete turkey. I expected Lula, Grandma, Stephanie, Joe, and Ranger.

Instead, I got Jake and Amy, two of the sappiest lovers ever.

The storyline is great, Evanovich at her hokiest, with enough screwball to satisfy. It's the execution of the main characters that falls flat. The characters fall In Love almost immediately, so there's a lot of sappy introspection. Ugh. Neither one is exceptionally feisty or scrappy, so their times together are not all that enjoyable. I can see why this book became a big hit at garage sales everywhere. I give it one pack of Pall Malls and a cup of Folger's Instant coffee.

I didn't even want to waste your time with an ad for it, so I put up Janet Evanovich's Plum Spooky instead. I haven't read it yet, but I am sure that it will be a lot better.

Okay, I'll put this one up, too:

BOOK REVIEW: Quicksand by Iris Johansen

Iris Johansen is one of the few authors whose characters seem just as comfortable in modern as in historical times. She has a few dialogue quirks -- either her people don't speak in complete sentences and cut themselves off, or they interrupt each other a lot, but she does appear to be improving on that issue.

Anyhow, Quicksand is the latest Eve Duncan mystery. Just when we were beginning to get tired of poor Eve Duncan and her weary stepdaughter and husband, Johansen infuses some new blood into the series. First, there's Montalvo, for whom Eve is beginning to feel a tendre. Then Johansen pulls in Megan Blair from Pandora's Box to add another dimension to the already freaky connections Eve has experienced.

Personally, I think Johansen is getting tired of her main storyline, too. Her entire oeuvre seems to revolve around Bonnie, who really isn't all that compelling as a character to begin with. Eve, Joe, and Jane are all intriguing on their own. Eve's new sizzle, Montalvo provides an interest and an excitement that I have not felt for an Eve Duncan book. There are only 2 more names on Montalvo's short list of guys who could have killed Bonnie, and for that I am truly grateful. We could hear about forensic skull reconstruction for days, but we'd like to see Bonnie laid to rest and Joe pushed to the edge by excitement and adventure, not because he's competing with a dead child for Eve's attention.

In spite of my griping over the direction this series has taken (the early books were really exciting), I did enjoy Quicksand. It was a fast-paced, entertaining read, and I give it 3 packs of Dunhills and a pound of Mello Joy Medium Roast.

TV Review: Real Chance at Love Episode 5

The episode opens with Kiki saying that she wants to calm down and not cause so much drama, because she wants to show Real that she can be his kind of woman. Ya think that's a good strategy, especially since you were the last to get your chain last time??? But you and I know that it's not going to last. Really.

Meatball was almost on the chopping block with Chance, so she goes to see Chance, who is hiding behind the sofa. He jumps out to surprise her. She's looking forward to a little one-on-one tete a tete with Chance to talk seriously (what is up with the delusions these girls have?) when in bounces Milf with a pair of booty-cutting short shorts. She bounces on Real's crotch for a few minutes. Meatball feels both disgusted and disrespected, especially when Chance tells her that she should have come in like that.

So fast forward to the mail. Risky is not as dumb as she looks, because she actually figures out that their activity for the day is going to involve dancing. The girls have to pick between black or red bottoms, which they also figure out are their teams. Chance and Real bring in Kaba Modern from America's Best Dance Crew, who will be helping the girls come up with an 80's dance routine. But first, they have to come up with names. The winning team will win dates with the guys.

So we have Mixed Spice ("because we're all different, like spices" -- your first pop trivia quiz, who said that) consisting of Bubbles, Milf, Meatball, KO, and Rabbit; and The Stallion-ettes (how original! how pandering! how exctaly what they're looking for!) consisting of Risky, Cali, Bay bay bay, Cornfed, and Kiki. Cornfed has the least dance skill of anybody on the team, and Bubbles is in her own world, not really following the choreography at all. AT all. So we get some really cheesy music from a really tinny (not a typo!) boombox. Mixed Spice does a creditable job, but the only really good performance is Rabbit's. Cue to the swelling violins and Real having a dreamy flashback overlaid with her heaving chest.

The Stallionettes, however, really turn it out, to say that they are struggling along with Cornfed. They have a tight routine and they are all together. So it is no surprise when they win.

Meatball struck out earlier, so now she wants to get a shot at Chance since she won't be having a date with him. She cooks spaghetti and meatballs, which promptly crashes and burns (literally in Chance's stomach). He's not sure if the meatballs are cooked all the way through, and the sauce is pure tomatoes, no spice. So he's burping and oh-god-ing for a long time after she leaves the room.

All the girls are excited, but Kiki says she is going to do whatever it takes to get next to her man. The Stallionaires perform at The Mint, then come down off the stage for some R&R with the ladies. Somehow, with five ladies and two men, the pushy Kiki ends up... at the end of the table. Sitting next to no one. So Real is flanked by Cornfed and Bay bay bay who take full opportunity of the situation. Kiki just sits there looking pissed, which is not a good look for her. Come to think of it, Kiki looking pissed is not a good look for anybody at that table. She did say before the date that "If any of these girls f*ck it up for me, there's gonna be problems." She comes home and bitches to the other girls about how she might as well have not gone on the date at all. They look properly sympathetic -- NOT! Kiki is New York reincarnated; I don't know if it takes more nerve or less to abuse people then expect them to be sympathetic, or to just go on about your business.

Rabbit and Cornfed decide to make cheesecake (what's up with the cooking? So far, nobody has made anything edible this season; they should remember that). Chance promptly spits it out, I guess remembering his earlier experience. Better to come out this way this end than any other way. Rabbit muses that she likes Chance, but she wants to see his serious, nurturing side, the side that won't be all jokey-jokey and will talk to her. You really want to see that side of him, Rabbit? You need to date Real, then, you dumb bunny.

Chance and Real decide to spend some time with each other's girls, since they figure they'll have to get to know them eventually. I think they're also doing some reconnaissance on the shifty ones.

At Chance's dinner, his opening "prayer" is "Let the shots go round," but this doesn't really set the pace for his Real-Girl audience. Kiki immediately starts bitching about Real and the way he treated her at dinner, whine whine whine, nag nag nag. Chance says he'll give a shout out to his brother. Cut out to the confessional where Chance says, "Bro! You better run! She's coming to kill you!" Milf says she's very impressed with Real's physical side while Bay bay bay rolls her eyes and says to herself that Real needs a woman, not a tramp. Cornfed says she likes Real a lot. KO gets emotional and goes on this tear about how she's not just looking for any guy, but a good guy, then blubbers about her father and trust and men. It's real bunny boiler stuff, but Chance seems intrigued and pretends to wipe a tear from his eye.

At Real's dinner, everybody holds hands and says grace. Real says that everybody needs to give thanks to God and asks if everybody there believes in God, to which there is a unanimous yes. Well, almost. Bubbles kind of mumbles something, so Real calls her on it. Bubbles says that she doesn't feel like she needs God to be a good person, because she's already a good person. Real replies that it's good to hear her express that because his brother loves the Lord and needs a woman who loves the Lord. Oops. Meatball tries to call Cali out for being an industry ho, but like Cali said, she won't be doing any of those tramps' make-up, so it won't help her career any.

And before we go any further, why does Cali get all the flack for that? Kiki freely admitted that she was a Video Vixen, that she's been in a bunch of videos and danced for a lot of "industry folks." Where's her flack?

Anyhow, after the dinners, both Chance and Real do some one-on-ones. Chance feels like he could make a connection with KO, and Real feels like he and Rabbit could be doing the Bunny Hop. He absolutely does not want to take Bubbles for a one-on-one because that vacant blinking gets to him. He can't do it. Meatball TOTALLY goes off in her one-on-one with Real, and he comes out thinking that she is just not strong enough to handle their lifestyle. On the other hand, he feels like Rabbit and he have a lot in common, and he kind of fishes around. Rabbit feels confused and nervous. She's still waiting for Chance to become serious and wishes she could combine the two of them.

Afterwards, Kiki comes over to bitch at Real in person this time. The nagging is really starting to annoy him. And Rabbit tries one more time to get Chance's attention, but she's not real smart about it. She approaches him while he's hugged up in the hot tub with Cali to give him... some swim trunks! No hot tub, no Cali, and something like a belt buckle with his name in rhinestones in it might have given her a better shot, but she gets a very tepid Thank you. She's starting to get fed up.

At elimination, Real has 5 picks and Chance has 4. Real picks Milf, and Chance picks Cali. That's when the shyte starts to hit the fan. Real then tries to pick Rabbit, but she declines. So he picks Cornfed. Chance picks Risky. Real tries to pick Rabbit AGAIN, but she declines because she doesn't do that to brothers. Real says it's cool with his brother, but Rabbit says it's just not who she is. So he picks Bay bay bay who is furiously crying because all her hard work is going unnoticed except as an afterthought. Chance picks Bubbles. Real asks Rabbit AGAIN if she wants his chain. She says no, so now he figures that he has struck out. He picks Kiki. Chance says that since Real has gone after one of his girls, he's going after one of Real's. KO sees the writing on the wall, and starts crying. She does NOT want Chance. At all. In the slightest. Plus, she is not a piece of meat (even though she went on a dating show for two brothers). So Chance picks Rabbit. And Rabbit is Rabid. She goes off on Chance and even gives him his necklace back, telling him that she turned his brother down, and she was waiting for Chance to pick her. She's been waiting and waiting for him and getting nothing in return. Chance is impressed with her passion and ends up giving her the chain. Real then picks KO, which she is also pissed off about having to accept at the bottom of the food chain.

So after all of that drama, it is Meatball who goes home, since Chance does not fell much of a connection with her. That raw tomato sauce must have eased it away.

TV REVIEW: The Cheff Jeff Project Finale

On this final episode of the Chef Jeff Project, the chefs must cook for 7 top chefs at the Art Institute. One is the Vice President of the Culinary Institute, and the other six are all executive chefs. As their final, they must revamp the signature dish that they cooked for Chef Jeff on the first day of the show. They have an entire day to rework their recipes and perfect them.

Alonzo cooked chicken en papillote with vegetables. He decides to replace the protein to Alaskan salmon and add potatoes for a starch. He is very, very unhappy with his plating, however, and ends up retreating outside. His fellow chefs try to talk to him, but he's not having it. Chef Jeff realizes that for Alonzo, this is his chance to not only do this for himself, but for his younger siblings who are in foster care, which is a heavy burden for someone so young. He goes out to give Alonzo a pep talk. Alonzo doesn't seem to be completely convinced, but he does go back inside to work on his dish.

Shante originally cooked shrimp fettucine. As we noticed throughout the show, Shante's presentation has been the weakest. She decides to put her shrimp on skewers and add spinach and capers to the fettucine for a different flavor.

Brett cooked mashed potatoes as his signature dish because at the time, it was the only thing he knew how to cook. He decides, with a little help from Chef Jeff, to cook duck over whipped potatoes with a pineapple-orange sauce. He doesn't remember how to score the duck, and he gets a little lost. Chef Jeff steps in to give him a hand and lead him back in the right direction.

Kathy, whose cooking skills were also weak at the beginning, first made a summer salad. She wants to revamp it by making a lettuce wrap, but she feels that it's lacking something, flavor-wise. Chef Jeff encourages her to do a breaded chicken and put the salad on top.

Adam's original dish was South Central sushi. He wants to take his sushi recipe out of the ghetto and make it with Ahi tuna accompanied by a wonton soup. He doesn't seem to lack confidence in his ability to make it better.

Maria had first cooked a chorizo quesadilla, plain and quartered. Now she wants to enclose her chorizo with some new ingredients and deep fry it. She ends up scrapping that plan for a micro quesadilla, which will be a tower of corn tortillas, chorizo, beans, cheese, and her special hot sauce.

So far, so good for these aspiring chefs.

The next day, they are greeted by Paul Sallenbach, the director of Admissions for the Culinary Institute of America. In order to get into the school, they must first pass an admissions interview. The chefs all impress the officers with their passion for cooking. Now for the real test.

They meet the judges: Mark Lancia, Vice President of the CIA; Michael Shafer, owner and executive chef at Depot Restaurant; Robert Gadsby, owner and executive chef of Noe (which is his real first name; he was Chef Jeff's first boss); Sarah Bowman, executive chef at the Miramonte Spa and Resort; David Lefevre, executive chef at the Water Grill; and Akasha Richmond, owner and chef of Akasha restaurant. A very impressive retinue, overall.

Adam is up first. Chef Jeff seems to be riding him really hard, almost purposely trying to get a rise out of him. So Adam does get a little hot under the collar, but he manages to pull through. He gets high marks from the judges for plating and a surprise job offer from Robert Gadsby. He leaves the judges' table ebulliently, even clicking his heels together.

Kathy is feeling outclassed by her teammates. In addition, she doesn't bring a mallet, so she ends up having to use a saute pan to pound the chicken breasts. She is especially nervous about being judged by Michael Shafer because he gave her a hard time in his restaurant; but he pronounces her concoction delicious.

Alonzo is trying to keep his composure and get rid of the negative self-talk -- and for once, it works! He gets very good marks for his presentation, having solved his plating problem by presenting it in a steamed "envelop." He almost passes out when he gets back in the kitchen, but Chef Jeff just tosses him over his shoulder.

Brett starts getting frustrated because while he is happy that his teammates are doing so well, it puts even more pressure on him. Chef Jeff knows that Brett has a tendency to buckle sometimes, so he takes a step back, again, testing him. He, too, does well, and gets an invite from Michael Shafer, who tells him that he's going to be his worst nightmare in helping him to stay clean.

Shante is worried that no one will like her food, that no one will want to eat it, but her fears are unfounded. Akasha Richmond pronounces it excellent.

Maria says that she is nervous, but she really sails through putting her dish together, even winking at the camera. All the chefs love her dish, especially the sauce, and Akasha Richmond offers her a card to look her up.

So it is no big surprise to anyone that they all get their scholarships, but Chef Jeff is not done with them yet.

When they exit the exam, their loved ones are all waiting for them. For Kathy and Brett, it is a reunion because they have been living at the Dream Center, which is a shelter in Los Angeles. Alonzo has a surprising amount of relatives who showed up for him. Adam's mother and father are there, which he is very happy to see. It gets a little sad because the only people who showed up for Shante are her children. Her mother, father, and husband were all invited to attend but elected not to show. Which just goes to show you what she's up against with 4 kids and no support. Only Maria's teachers showed up to support her. Her mother abandoned the family when she was 3, and Maria's father remarried. She did not get along with her stepmother, so when her father was sent off to Kuwait, Maria ran away from home at the age of 16 and has been living off the streets ever since then. Chef Jeff called her father, who wrote Maria a letter telling her how proud he is of her, and how he looks forward to being united with her one day.

So what have they been doing with their lives since then? Alonzo has moved to Las Vegas, where Chef Jeff is keeping an eye on him. He also shaved his head! Who knew that a cutie was hiding under those intricate braids?

Brett moved out of the Dream Center and is going to school at the Culinary Institute of America. He also has a part-time job as a line cook.

Kathy is back living with her parents and working as a waitress. She plans to attend culinary school early next year.

Shante is still fighting the good fight. She is attending culinary school part-time and trying to raise four kids at the same time (good luck to her!).

Maria is a full-time student at the Culinary Institute and has a part-time job working at Akasha.

And Adam, the one who Chef Jeff labeled as a natural talent? Adam still hasn't gotten his GED yet, so he cannot go to culinary school yet.

All in all, a good ending to a good season.

TV REVIEW: Tim Gunn's Guide to Style on Ariana Vargas

NOTE: I wanted to point out that the guitar pick necklace from last week was designed by Payson Cooper of NYC. You can see her designs at http://www.paysoncooper.com.

Tim and Greta's challenge this week is Ariana Vargas. She is getting ready to move to Chicago to become head of Marketing and PR for a company that her sister is opening. The problem is, she has no clothes to go along with her new job and her new life. I mean, she does have clothes, but, yuck. She's got peeling shoes, sweaters with pills, sweat stains, and some really bad hemlines. Her wardrobe is so bad that it elicits 3 priceless gems from Tim: "But first we have to get a tetanus shot!" "I wouldn't wish that wardrobe on a homeless person!" "[That outfit is] Brittney Spears does Huckleberry Finn."

Ariana confides that the Brittney comment is her all time low.

Greta makes Ariana try on a really awful-looking, skinny-strapped dress because she also notices that Ariana is a little... lacking in support, shall we say. Ariana reveals that she is actually wearing a regular bra that she has tucked the straps into the dress. When pressed, she admits that she has lost her one and only strapless bra.

Clearly, this girl has not a fashion clue. In speaking with her a little more, she confides that she came from a single-parent home where money was really tight, and she holds onto clothes that are long past their shelf life. So even though she now has the money, she's still got the mentality. As usual, what starts off as being about fashion ends up being very, very personal.

In a Guide to Style first, Greta and Tim can find nothing worth keeping or salvaging in Ariana's closet. All of it is bundled up into garbage bags.

Now that Ariana is completely without anything to wear except a shirt and jeans, she's off to Bra Smyth to get her correct size and a basic undergarment wardrobe. They quickly determine her size -- and get her a strapless bra, right off the bat. She chooses a few other very pretty, great-looking bras and is on her way to Tim's loft to get the lowdown on her shape.

Since Ariana is long-waisted (ie, the area from clavicle to crotch is long), she has to learn how not to chop her body up into proportions that make her look off-balance. Because she has a big butt and a small waist, Ariana has been fitting her hips first and not worrying about the waistline, or wearing shorter waistlines, which also cut her off. Her tops are too long and only accentuate the weaknesses in her proportion. Tim also recommends ditching cap sleeves for just about any other sleeve length at all, including sleeveless.

At In-Style Magazine, Ariana is confronted by the sight of her old clothes next to the chic clothes in the showroom. Katrina Szish, the consultant, also asks her why she holds onto clothes, and she tells her about her childhood. Katrina then tells her that she doesn't have to go crazy and buy a ton of clothes, but if she wants to keep clothes for a really long time, then she needs to buy better quality clothes that will stand the test of time. She also instructs Ariana on how to look for little details that say "quality:" even stitching on the inside seams and hems, covered buttons, etc.

Armed with knowledge (and a better bra), Ariana heads off to do some shopping. At first, it's a disaster. She picks out a bunch of things and likes none of them, now that she knows what to look for. She's still not comfortable in making fashion choices -- until she finds a little black dress that she loves. She points out that the belt is a little poofy -- and has her fashion epiphany when Greta and Tim tell her that it can be fixed. It never occurred to her to have the clothes tailored to fit her body; she was just willing to go along and try to fit her unique body into off-the-rack clothes.

Now it's time for the wow moment. Tim takes her to Angel Sanchez, a Venezuelan designer who does very meticulous styling and draping. Ariana feels comfortable with him because he's Latino and understands her curvy figure. He tells her that she can have one of his dresses to wear to the charity event that she and her sister are attending where there will be potential investors for the company. Needless to say, she is overwhelmed. She says that it is like a dream come true, but a dream that she never knew she had.

For hair and make-up Greta and Tim take her to Devachan Salon, which is a high end salon that specializes in curly hair. After years of not loving her hair, Ariana is encouraged to embrace it by Lorraine Massey, who is the original Curly Girl and known for helping people get in touch with their inner curl. Lorraine cuts her hair dry and tells her to move around as she cuts from different angles. She also cuts a good 6 inches off, which Ariana likes less and less.

After the cut, she goes off to Edward at Devachan Salon for color, and he gives her a lot of natural-looking highlights. Then it's back to Lorraine's chair again, where she clips her wet hair up and separates it based on Ariana's natural wave. She allows it to dry naturally, then shakes it out. Ariana says that it's going to take some getting used to, but she likes it.

Gordin Espinet of MAC cosmetics gives Ariana a very natural look because she gives off an air of simplicity. She has good skin, so he just mists her face the covers it with moisturizer. With her new look complete, it's time for the fashion show.

Something, however, is still amiss. Greta can tell that Ariana is still a little freaked out by her haircut, but Ariana assures her that she will get used to it. Everyone is wowed by Ariana's new look as she sashays down the runway (and almost stops when she sees her sister there, because her sister was supposed to have been in Chicago), but Greta is tired of that hesitancy in Ariana's face. She can tell that the hair is REALLY bothering her. So before she can take her half-way face on her new look down the runway again, Greta straightens her hair into a sleek, but still full, look. Ariana now realizes how good the cut she got really is, that she can go from curly to other options.

She is infinitely more comfortable as she models her other looks, and is prepared to work her Angel Sanchez look down the runway. Angel himself comes in to see his dress, and he is blown away by it. Everybody is happy, and it's hugs and kisses all around.

As a parting gift, Greta and Tim give Ariana a Dior watch that is both stylish and business-y. She's very happy to get it, but that's not the only thing they have up their sleeves. They have also flown in Ariana's mother, and that's when the waterworks start. Ariana's mother, Eve, is so proud to see her daughter's transformation, and Ariana is so very happy that her mother is there.

Once again, Fairy Godfather Tim Gunn and Greta Monaghan change the world one person at a time -- through fashion.

TV REVIEW: Top Chef New York, Episode 1

It's Noo Yawk, youse guys -- and Padma and Tom get to business right then and there. The contestants spend a few minutes schmoozing on the ferry and there's even a reunion -- Lauren and Patrick were compadres at culinary school. Richard is anxious to see Tom (because he thinks he's a hottie), and his inner queen is screaming to see what Padma's wearing. Decision time, however, is waiting for them before they've even unpacked their bags. Padma and Tom both say that New York is one of the toughest places to make it, but if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. With that said, it's time for the first Quickfire, which holds not only immunity, but elimination. Someone will be eliminated without ever even having seen the hotel. It will be a 3-part elimination with an increasingly smaller elimination group. For the first part, the chefs must peel 15 apples -- using only a knife like the rest of us poor schlubs do it). So they set to peeling, and Stefan emerges as the winner. This earns him immunity, about which he is very pleased. 8 other chefs move along with him to the top spots in the competition.

For the second part of the challenge, the chefs must brunoise (very small dice) 2 cups of apples. After 3 good brunoises and one from Jill that has to be sent back (but she recovers and earns her spot), there are four chefs left: Radhika, Lauren, Patrick, and Leah. I am most pleased to note that 3 of my novelty choices are in the bottom four.

For the final part of the challenge, the chefs have 20 minutes to cook something using apples. Lauren and Patrick really show their inexperience (and the fact that they do not watch this show) by making salad. Salad! And Lauren's only protein is bacon! Naturally, she and Patrick are at the bottom, probably because neither of them cooked a darned thing. Except bacon.

In the end, it is Lauren, the uber-cocky, free-form chef who is doing this because she has nothing better to do while her husband is in Iraq, who is sent home. Her parting shot? "I'm going down on apples!"

Tom and Padma waste no time in introducing the remaining 16 chefs to the knife block, where they must pull knives and pair up. Each pair has to draw inspiration from a particular neighborhood from New York and cook a representative ethnic dish. They will, however, not be cooking as a team, but go head to head with each other, which makes it tough on both the competitors and the judges. There's no real way of establishing a cooking hierarchy because they're comparing one on one, not one versus everyone else.

Now is the time for the teams to get together and relax. The Gays (Jamie, Patrick, and Richard) find each other and dub themselves Team Rainbow. The Europeans Fabio and Stefan also make a formidable pair. Both are loud and Stefan especially is very abrasive. He's already rubbing people the wrong way -- and by people, I mean Daniel in particular. Other people chitchat pleasantly and just watch the fireworks.

The next day is all business with a lot of smack-talking. Team Ozone Park (Latin) features Jeffrey and Fabio. Both claim to know a lot about Latin food and brag about winning. Jeffrey's lackadaisical attitude towards time, however, leaves him scrambling to plate his dish at the end. Team Astoria (Greek) finds two of the members of Team Rainbow, Jamie and Richard, going head to head. Jamie is all business, although Richard keeps trying to engage her in conversation. Team Little India (Indian) is Eugene versus Alex, neither one of whom has much experience with Indian cuisine. Team Queens (Jamaican) has Radhika pitted against Jill. Radhika is concerned about already being on the bottom and really wants to prove herself now.

Team Brighton Beach (Russian) features another pair who don't know too much about the food they're cooking, Carla and Hosea. Carla is looking for her spirit guide to help her (uh-huh), and while Hosea doesn't couch it in so frou-frou terms, he says that he just wants to cook something that might taste vaguely Russian. Team Long Island City (Middle Eastern) has the decidedly underconfident Ariane versus the megalomaniac, Stefan. Ariane wants to prove to herself that she is good at what she does, while Stefan already knows that he is good at what he does and wants everybody else to know it. Team Chinatown (Chinese) has Daniel and Patrick, both of whom are confident in their ability to deliver authentic Chinese. Patrick is so confident, in fact, that he selects some black rice noodles, which he has never cooked with before, but figures it can't be too hard (that's called foreshadowing). Team Little Italy (Italian) sees Leah versus Melissa in a battle of old school Italian versus new school.

The guest judge for the evening is Jean-George Vongerichten, the first chef to win both best new restaurant and outstanding chef in the same year. Everyone is suitably impressed and highly nervous (except, of course, for Stefan). And the winners are Jeffrey (Ozone Park), Jamie (Astoria), Eugene (Little India), Jill (Queens), Hosea (Brighton Beach), Stefan (Long Island City), Daniel (Chinatown), and Leah (Little Italy). The judges are especially impressed with Eugene, who has never cooked Indian food before, but who Padma says has unwittingly cooked a classic home-cooked Indian meal; Stefan, who has a lot going on but it doesn't feel like it; and Leah, whose meal is both seasoned and cooked well. Padma notes that in all but one season, whoever wins the first elimination challenge usually wins it all, and is pleased to announce that ... Stefan is the winner. Some may be surprised, but Stefan is definitely not. He thinks that this is the year for a European to win; the Americans have had their turn.

And so amidst complaints of bad texture, undercooked faro, gummy noodles, and lack of seasoning, Ariane and Patrick are on the bottom. Ariane's undercooked faro and underwhelming excuses don't impress the judges, who tell Ariane that she needs to get out of her comfort zone and experience other cuisines in the world. She then makes the boneheaded reply that that's why she has books. Uh... Poor Ariane. You need to get out more. Patrick makes a plea that he has passion. Yup, but he made a salad at the first elimination challenge, and I don't care what the judges say about each challenge standing on its own, that was just unforgivable.

So it is student Patrick who goes home first. He does so graciously with only a hint of "Well, I'm a culinary student" about him. Patrick and Lauren, we hardly knew ye.

Sarah Palin, The RNC Wants Their Underwear Back...

The RNC bought a ridiculous amount of clothes for Sarah Palin and her family during the 2008 Presidential Campaign. $150,000, to be exact.

There is obviously no love lost between the RNC and Palin. No sooner was Election Day over than lips started flapping about her using GOP lawyers as flunkies to bring her even more clothes.

And now that Caribou Barbie could not carry the day, the RNC wants every stitch of clothes back, down to the teeniest foundation garment.

I realize that the RNC is supposed to be a watchdog for profligate spending, but I don't ever recall a guard being sent out to catalog Armani suits.

She is their candidate. If they bought the clothes for her, I think she should have a reasonable expectation to keep them. It was part of the uniform, not to mention that no men have been called on the carpet in such a way.

I mean, really. It's basically used clothing. Gently used (maybe), but still. What are they going to do with used underwear, sell it on eBay?

TV REVIEW: Real Chance at Love Episode 4

This episode opens up with Kiki continuing to show her mean, evil side. She gets on both KO and Lusty about their mothers being bitches. Well, both their mothers are dead, so it kind of seems like a moot point, but at any rate, they both want to punch her lights out. Everybody is pretty much embarrassed for them, having to suck it up and not being able to throw down, but nobody wants to fuel the fire. Both Lusty and Milf talk to Real about Kiki's behavior, and he agrees to think about it.

Chance steals off to talk to his brother Mike, who tells him that Cali is an industry ho, that she makes all the rounds at the parties. Some of the girls hear him and Real discussing it, and they clue her in. With the exception of Kiki, these girls all get along surprisingly well.

Then the girls get mail. They think they're going to meet the family (have they ever seen this show??? that's not going to happen for at least 3 more episodes), so they get all tarted up. Makeup, stilettos, the whole bit. When they find out that they're going to muck out the stables and take care of the animals, they are less than amused.

We, however, are sure as heck amused because some of these girls never learned about animals of any sort. Meatball doesn't even know a sheep from a llama. Lusty seems to be trying to put the animals in a trance. In the end, they've got to show for their team. But it's the mismatched team of Kiki and Bubbles who ends up winning the dates.

Chance and Real are cooking for the women on the dates, but it's obvious that they can't even barbecue. I didn't even know there was a man on the planet who could throw some raw meat on the fire and not come up with something edible. So they end up eating fruits and marshmallows on their dates.

Real takes Kiki aside and tells her she has to apologize. She's not feeling it, but she's crafty enough to know that she has to apologize, so she ponies up the most insincere apology imaginable and she and Lusty then exchange a fake hug.

KO decides to come out and tell Real that she's really disappointed that she wasn't picked for the date, which I don't see why she and her team didn't win. KO would be a natural on the farm. She then becomes the third person to warn Real about Kiki, but all he says is that he needs a calm, cool, and collected woman. Yeah. Like Kiki fits that bill. KO's body language says, "You ain't hearing me, so step off." There are some serious "I ain't playing" vibes coming off of her.

Rabbit reveals to Chance that she hasn't had a boyfriend in two years and she's looking for The One. Again, has she ever seen this franchise??? The worst thing you can do is act like you're looking for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. Cali also wants to explain to Chance that yeah, she knows people in the industry, and she'll continue to be in the industry, but she's not just any industry ho; she's a makeup industry ho! She's got a real job.

In the meantime, Lusty, who has more than a few screws loose, decides she needs some alone time with Real and tries to sneak him away for a massage. Then she makes her fatal error and discusses her last boyfriend, who got married to someone else and didn't tell her. When Real asks her what she did when she found out, instead of saying something like, "I cried for a while, then I put it behind me," she says, "What do you think I did, kill him?" Whoa. Killing should be nowhere in your mind when you've got a half-naked man under your palms. Real looks like he just wants to bolt from the couch.

After all is said and done, Chance keeps all of his women, and Real ends up sending Kiki home because she's mean and evil.

PSYCH! Both of these guys were in luv with New York; did you really think they were going to toss a woman aside just because she was mean and evil? Please! Real ends up getting rid of Lusty because he's afraid she's going to Bobbettize him. To be honest, I don't blame him. As Lusty is leaving, Milf yells out, "You're a good woman, Lusty." And Lusty says that if he wants a mean girl like Kiki, so be it.

Real then tells Kiki that he's keeping her because she's showing him she can change. Uh-huh. Right up until the next episode.

Chance keeps:
Bubbles
Cali
Risky
Meatball
Rabbit

Real keeps:
Milf
KO
Cornfed
Bay bay bay
Kiki

Stay tuned for next week, when the audience learns that white women from Fargo can't dance....

TV REVIEW: The Chef Jeff Project

Coming off of a bad episode last week that marginally ended on a positive note, the Chef Jeff Project took an upbeat turn this week. Jeff decides to give his six X factors a taste of what can happen on both the professional and home fronts when you never stop believing in yourself and when you surround yourself with people who support you.

The X's first stop is in fabulous Las Vegas, Jeff's hometown and where he got his start. They will be cooking for the Ka Show, which is put on by Cirque du Soleil. For the hierarchy, they must create something that the Cirque performers love: sushi, but with their own twists. Adam, who has experience in this, wins handily by acclamation of his fellow chefs. Jeff, in a surprising twist, also appoints Chante as a team leader. Not surprisingly, given their lack of maturity, each team leader is equally disgruntled by having to share the title.

As usual, there's a blow-up in the kitchen, and yes, it involves Adam. Adam, however, seems to have matured a little bit. Instead of popping off and earning himself a quick trip to the freezer for a cool-down, he collects himself and lets the negativity wash over him. The other crew members who were ready for battle seem to relax, denoting that one bad apple can indeed make or break the morale of the group.

The Ka presentation is a success, and in turnabout, the performers invite the X's to see their nighttime show. They seem awed by the experience, by the promise of wealth and luxury, but this isn't all Chef Jeff has in store for them.

Their next project is to cook for the birthday party of Chef Jeff's 64-year-old mother. In this way, they get to see what family and community look like. It gets very emotional, and even the stoic Brett is wiping his eyes by the end of the episode. I even shed a few tears, particularly for Adam, who REALLY gets into the emotional side of things.

Next week is the finale, when the X's learn if they have what it takes to get their scholarships. Will Chante's attitude bring her down? Will Adam's temper explode and take over? Will Alonzo's fear of failure bring him cowering in the corner? Will Brett's lack of emotion translate into a lack of passion for food? Will Maria's inexperience cause her make bad decisions? And will Kathy's sense of isolation cause her to pull away from her fellow crew members? We'll all be watching...

MOVIE REVIEW: Juno

Juno the movie is a modern fairy tale. Only this time around, the damsel in distress is a wise-cracking pregnant 16-year-old, her white knight is someone that no one thinks is up to the challenge, and her noble steed is an older model Toyota Previa.

I had resisted watching Juno because what could possibly be inspiring about a pregnant teen? Oh sure, sometimes you have pregnant teens who have their babies in Wal-Mart, but it all seems so after-school-special-ish.

Not so this movie. There's a happy ending, all right, but it isn't your usual happy ending. It's not a tragedy, although it's got the makings of one.

At the center of the movie is Juno, a quirky, wise-ass teen who finds herself pregnant after one encounter with her geeky, track-team boyfriend, Paulie Bleeker. After a little bit of soul-searching (and a close encounter at an abortion clinic where she resists the urge to make the situation business as usual), Juno decides to have the baby -- and give it up for adoption.

Here's where the potential for tragedy lies. Juno lives with her father, a retired Army man turned HVAC technician, her offbeat but decidedly unwicked stepmother, and her half-sister. Her mother abandoned the family a long time ago for greener pastures in a trailer park. In her search for good parents for her child, Juno turns to (where else?) the local Pennysaver for answers. There she's got a full range of potential adoptors, right next to ads about Pekingese and parakeets. She eventually decides on a childless couple who look to be perfect.

Vanessa and Mark Loring seem to have it all. They've got the beautiful house, the goofy couples pictures on the wall, and pots of money. The only thing missing from their perfect lives is a baby, which Vanessa wants more than anything. Husband Mark, however, seems to be stuck. A former rocker who now sells out by writing commercial jingles for The Man, you get the feeling that this is more Vanessa's dream than his. He and Juno bond over similar tastes in movies and music, while serious Vanessa is out in the adult world, doing serious work to bring home the bacon.

So what happens next: is it yet another after-school special? Not so, because while we may forget that the precocious Juno is only 16 years old, the producers never do. Surrounded by people who have the luxury of living in worlds where the decisions are slow and easy, she has to cope with her disillusionment and make a hard, fast, adult decision that will allow her to grow up in her own time.

Juno was an utter delight, and it was no wonder that it received so many awards. I give it four packs of Dunhills and a pound of Starbucks Breakfast Blend.

MOVIE REVIEW: First Sunday

Those of you who know me know that I will watch just about anything with Katt Williams in it. I was very excited to see that First Sunday finally made it to On Demand (I love On Demand).So I sat down and watched it with the kids and was pleasantly surprised: funny with a happy, upbeat ending.

Make no mistake, this is not Shakespeare, not by a long shot. And the movie does take a while to get off and running, but this turns out to be a good thing.

Katt Williams is, as usual, the comic highlight of this movie and gets the best comic bits. Equally entertaining is the underused Rickey Smiley. His characterization of Bernice Jenkins is dead-on.

Tracy Morgan and Ice Cube each slip into familiar roles. Morgan is a slickster with little brains and a lot of nerve. Ice Cube is the boy who never grew up and who's still living off of Mama'n'em despite the fact that he coulda been a contender. Loretta Devine turns in an excellent performance as a widow who is raising a foster child and gets another boy along the way. Regina Hall is great as usual as baby mama Omunique (I just love that name). Malinda Williams is perfectly cast as the sassy daughter of the church. Chi McBride turns in a credible performance as the pastor who only wants what is best for his flock (I have to admit, though, after seeing him in Let's Go To Prison, all I can think of is toilet wine).

There's laughter, tears, and redemption in this movie. The plot is a little unbelievable and saved somewhat by the oily performance of Michael Beach as the deacon. Nonetheless, it's entertaining and a good way to pass a couple of hours. I give it two packs of Dunhills and a pound of Mello Joy.

TV REWIND: Top Chef Preview

It hasn't even really started yet, but I moseyed on over to the Bravo website to see what the cast of characters looked like for Top Chef. I remember reading somewhere that some of the people on these reality shows were picked less for their talent than for their personality or their looks. We expect that on Survivor, but not here.

So I went to the Bravo TV website so I could check out the potential drama-ites and I came up with a surprisingly character-heavy list. Many of the cast are quirky with eclectic backgrounds, but that doesn't mean they're not excellent chefs. Here's my vote for people Bravo thought you might be interested in watching:

Danny - with a motto like "No Guts, No Glory, No Gold!" he's gotta be. Also, his culinary influences came from his grandmothers. No comment.

Gene - you've already seen Gene in action playing his guitar and singing off-key in the commercials.

Hosea - was working on his degree in Engineering Physics when he suddenly decided to pursue cooking. Works at a place called Jax Fish House. Whimsy, whimsy, whimsy.

Jamie - go to the Bravo TV website and take a look at her. I mean, REALLY, she's got attitude written all over her.

Lauren - Lauren is one of the young, hot chefs. She was attending culinary school, but now just follows her husband across the country, honing her "eclectic and free-form style." Nuff said.

Leah - Leah will be more eye candy. Her resume is sparse, and she had not even risen to sous chef level anywhere she worked.

Patrick - will be another tenderoni. He's only 21 and still a student. It's too early really to tell what he can do, but his presence seems to be more iconic than functional.

So there you have it, I guess my picks for the bottom seven (maybe -- you never know how an individual challenge is going to pan out). At any rate, these people should provide some entertainment for us (and their housemates).

TV REVIEW: Tim Gunn's Guide to Style on Eliza Neals

This week, Tim and Greta took on Eliza Neals, and up-and-coming blues rocker in New York. As usual, the episode was about more than just fashion (although there are a lot of good fashion tips interspersed throughout). Eliza Neals is a woman tormented by image. She needs to maintain a professional image so that she can get better bookings. She needs to maintain a low-key image for her buttoned up in-laws. She needs to maintain a rocker image so she can feel confident onstage. As a result, Eliza is a woman who has been dressing for other people all these years. She is going to be a tough nut to crack.

Tim and Greta are definitely up to the challenge. They manage to winnow out some of Greta's closet before taking her to the Bra Lady for some extra support. After that, a visit to InStyle magazine leaves Eliza with a new leather jacket that complements her pear-shaped body. She meets up with Tim and Greta for the shopping trip, which seems like a disaster on first glance.

But then the magic happens. You get to see the point when Eliza becomes more confident in her clothing choices, more confident in herself. Suddenly, she starts wearing the clothes better and selling them to Tim and Greta instead of tentatively talking about how much she likes them.

By the time Tim takes her to Kay Unger, the featured designer, for a totally glammed out look, you would think that Eliza had undergone enough growth and transformation. But Kay's designs take her to the next level, both fashion-wise and mentally. There are more tears and thank you's.

And now it's time for hair and makeup. Sally Hershberger (the perfect person, IMO for a rocker) takes over reshaping Eliza's tired, faux-Farrah do. Lancome provides a softer, less hungover look. And like that, Eliza is transformed from someone who is catching up to someone who is up-and-coming.

The fashion show is a complete success. Huerta Neals, Eliza's husband, seems to like her new luck. So does his family (and hers!). In parting, Tim and Greta present her with a special gift: a necklace made from her father's guitar pick and one copied in white gold. It's a total "aw, cher" moment.

Once again, Fairy Godfather Tim Gunn and Greta Monaghan change the world one person at a time -- through fashion.

TV REVIEW: The Last Days of Top Design

Last night ended a really crazy episode of Top Design. I was hard put to select a winner -- until they selected a winner. Then it became clear to me whom I would have selected, and it was definitely not Nathan.

Preston Lee would definitely have received my vote for Top Designer. He was not one of my favorite people throughout the show, but there is no doubt that he is a very talented designer who creates beautifully polished rooms. He did have a few missteps, and his rooms don't quite have a trademark or a stamp to them, but overall, his house was rock-solid. The design was there, and the aesthetic was there.

Ondine Karady rightfully did not win. Her house really was an excellent representation of herself, and she has some moments of genius, but as a collection of rooms, it was more Garanimal than Gymboree. Yes, you CAN segue from this room into that room, but it's not smooth, Some of her best rooms, like the children's room and the office, seemed a little at odds with the rest of the house.

And Nathan Thomas? I love Nathan to death, and he was my favorite to win, but his house was a little... off. That wallpaper in the hall was godawful, and Margaret Russell was right: move the durned sarcophagus! This is $100,000 at stake! I also agreed with the judges when they said that the foyer had no real value. I couldn't see anything that you could possibly do in that room. Except resist the urge not to spin the wheels on the kinetic sculpture all day... I could play with that thing all day.

I think in the end what it boiled down to was a sense of design identity. Preston's beautiful rooms were simply no match for design playfulness and innovation. The shortcomings in Nathan's rooms were willing to be overlooked by the judges because his "touches" were simply fabulous: his painting for the dining room, his kinetic sculptures, and the infamous "Wall of Ex-Boyfriends," as Jonathan Adler puts it.

So now that the season is over, it is of course time to hand out a few awards:

Best Couple: Nathan and Wisit

Most Compelling Argument Against Gender-Identification: Wisit

Most Gay References by an Actor: Eddie

Most Likely to Make You Spit Out Your Coffee With His Comments: Eddie

Most Hideous Fashion Sense: Kelly Wearstler (I don't care if she's a designer; that outfit for the futuristic style room was the ugliest thing I have seen in a long time. It belongs on somebody's hall of shame. And the Bride of Frankenstein crimped updo... ugh...)

Best Change Since Season I: Adding India Hicks -- Todd Oldham is great, but he's a much better Tim Gunn than Heidi Klum

Worst Change Since Season I: Pop Design (give those people a break, already!)

Least Congenial: Preston

Most Likely to Pack It In and Make Pretty Houses For Soccer Moms: Andrea Schroeder

Most Likely To Be Promoted When They Get Home: Eddie (for his gratuitous Martha references)

Best Host: Nathan (I can't wait for Top Design Tokyo!)

Most Likely To Catch A Really Bad Cold: Preston (all that cold air hitting those plunging V-neckline t-shirts)

BOOK REVIEW: Agnes and the Hitman by Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer

Lucie and Gracie had nothing on this dame. Cranky Agnes, the celebrity chef and quirky heroine of this screwball tale of love, murder, and food, is a throwback to the girl Fridays who came armed with razor-sharp wit. Agnes has one up on them: she's also been notoriously armed with a frying pan, which she wields with great effect upon the unsuspecting males who turn the heat up under here.

Out of all of the kitchens in all the world, Shane the hitman has to walk into hers -- really. He's there to protect Agnes at the behest of a friend, who also happens to be a friend of Agnes, AND a friend of the Mob. In the meantime, Agnes finds out that she needs more protection than she had ever thought possible: scheming relatives, dead bodies in the basement, and a seemingly unceasing series of attempted hits on Agnes by a small-time crime family. What starts off as being a simple accident opens the door to much deeper secrets being kept by everyone. Like Hepburn and Tracy, Agnes and Shane verbally (and physically) parry and thrust their way through a rollicking good time to true love. You will, too.

For an easy, fun read that delivers on many levels, I give this one four Dunhills and a pound of Carnival Cake flavored Community Coffee.

BOOK REVIEW: A Stranger's Touch by Cait London

Due to the fact that I have begun to run out of books to read (the horror!), I decided to open my mind up to other authors. While I was in the used bookstore on my last trade-in, this one by Cait London caught my eye, mainly because I had seen Cait London's work on books in other genres, and I was wondering if, like most of the authors I have read, she's got a Main Talent and pretty much just applies the template, or if she has a genuine separation. I figured I might need to read more than one book of hers to make that distinction.

Alas, but no. Her characters are right out of the pages of a bodice-ripper: cheesy names (Tempest Bartel, who changes it to Tempest Storm to make herself less visible!), excessive brooding, melodramatic dialogue, and enough breadcrumbs to lead you to the killer with enouch red herrings to make you annoyed at the side plots. Her characters sometimes do improbable things, as when the hero fires the loyal family retainer because she was secretly in love with his mother (yes, that really happens in this book, all of it).

So no, I did not need to read another one of her books to see if this genre is her first love. I do wonder however, if maybe a change of venue might complement her style more. She is, at the very least, imaginative and a good solid writer. The plot was well-crafted and some key issues were handled very deftly. The chemistry between the hero and the heroine was good and believable. The writing was not so much bad as the book itself was an historical fiction disguised as a thriller. Like the emperor's new clothes, they just didn't suit well.

For people who love her historical fiction, this book may very well be an interesting segue. For the rest of the population, I give it 2 packs of Dunhills and pound of Maxwell House.