TV REVIEW: Top Chef New York, Episode 1

It's Noo Yawk, youse guys -- and Padma and Tom get to business right then and there. The contestants spend a few minutes schmoozing on the ferry and there's even a reunion -- Lauren and Patrick were compadres at culinary school. Richard is anxious to see Tom (because he thinks he's a hottie), and his inner queen is screaming to see what Padma's wearing. Decision time, however, is waiting for them before they've even unpacked their bags. Padma and Tom both say that New York is one of the toughest places to make it, but if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. With that said, it's time for the first Quickfire, which holds not only immunity, but elimination. Someone will be eliminated without ever even having seen the hotel. It will be a 3-part elimination with an increasingly smaller elimination group. For the first part, the chefs must peel 15 apples -- using only a knife like the rest of us poor schlubs do it). So they set to peeling, and Stefan emerges as the winner. This earns him immunity, about which he is very pleased. 8 other chefs move along with him to the top spots in the competition.

For the second part of the challenge, the chefs must brunoise (very small dice) 2 cups of apples. After 3 good brunoises and one from Jill that has to be sent back (but she recovers and earns her spot), there are four chefs left: Radhika, Lauren, Patrick, and Leah. I am most pleased to note that 3 of my novelty choices are in the bottom four.

For the final part of the challenge, the chefs have 20 minutes to cook something using apples. Lauren and Patrick really show their inexperience (and the fact that they do not watch this show) by making salad. Salad! And Lauren's only protein is bacon! Naturally, she and Patrick are at the bottom, probably because neither of them cooked a darned thing. Except bacon.

In the end, it is Lauren, the uber-cocky, free-form chef who is doing this because she has nothing better to do while her husband is in Iraq, who is sent home. Her parting shot? "I'm going down on apples!"

Tom and Padma waste no time in introducing the remaining 16 chefs to the knife block, where they must pull knives and pair up. Each pair has to draw inspiration from a particular neighborhood from New York and cook a representative ethnic dish. They will, however, not be cooking as a team, but go head to head with each other, which makes it tough on both the competitors and the judges. There's no real way of establishing a cooking hierarchy because they're comparing one on one, not one versus everyone else.

Now is the time for the teams to get together and relax. The Gays (Jamie, Patrick, and Richard) find each other and dub themselves Team Rainbow. The Europeans Fabio and Stefan also make a formidable pair. Both are loud and Stefan especially is very abrasive. He's already rubbing people the wrong way -- and by people, I mean Daniel in particular. Other people chitchat pleasantly and just watch the fireworks.

The next day is all business with a lot of smack-talking. Team Ozone Park (Latin) features Jeffrey and Fabio. Both claim to know a lot about Latin food and brag about winning. Jeffrey's lackadaisical attitude towards time, however, leaves him scrambling to plate his dish at the end. Team Astoria (Greek) finds two of the members of Team Rainbow, Jamie and Richard, going head to head. Jamie is all business, although Richard keeps trying to engage her in conversation. Team Little India (Indian) is Eugene versus Alex, neither one of whom has much experience with Indian cuisine. Team Queens (Jamaican) has Radhika pitted against Jill. Radhika is concerned about already being on the bottom and really wants to prove herself now.

Team Brighton Beach (Russian) features another pair who don't know too much about the food they're cooking, Carla and Hosea. Carla is looking for her spirit guide to help her (uh-huh), and while Hosea doesn't couch it in so frou-frou terms, he says that he just wants to cook something that might taste vaguely Russian. Team Long Island City (Middle Eastern) has the decidedly underconfident Ariane versus the megalomaniac, Stefan. Ariane wants to prove to herself that she is good at what she does, while Stefan already knows that he is good at what he does and wants everybody else to know it. Team Chinatown (Chinese) has Daniel and Patrick, both of whom are confident in their ability to deliver authentic Chinese. Patrick is so confident, in fact, that he selects some black rice noodles, which he has never cooked with before, but figures it can't be too hard (that's called foreshadowing). Team Little Italy (Italian) sees Leah versus Melissa in a battle of old school Italian versus new school.

The guest judge for the evening is Jean-George Vongerichten, the first chef to win both best new restaurant and outstanding chef in the same year. Everyone is suitably impressed and highly nervous (except, of course, for Stefan). And the winners are Jeffrey (Ozone Park), Jamie (Astoria), Eugene (Little India), Jill (Queens), Hosea (Brighton Beach), Stefan (Long Island City), Daniel (Chinatown), and Leah (Little Italy). The judges are especially impressed with Eugene, who has never cooked Indian food before, but who Padma says has unwittingly cooked a classic home-cooked Indian meal; Stefan, who has a lot going on but it doesn't feel like it; and Leah, whose meal is both seasoned and cooked well. Padma notes that in all but one season, whoever wins the first elimination challenge usually wins it all, and is pleased to announce that ... Stefan is the winner. Some may be surprised, but Stefan is definitely not. He thinks that this is the year for a European to win; the Americans have had their turn.

And so amidst complaints of bad texture, undercooked faro, gummy noodles, and lack of seasoning, Ariane and Patrick are on the bottom. Ariane's undercooked faro and underwhelming excuses don't impress the judges, who tell Ariane that she needs to get out of her comfort zone and experience other cuisines in the world. She then makes the boneheaded reply that that's why she has books. Uh... Poor Ariane. You need to get out more. Patrick makes a plea that he has passion. Yup, but he made a salad at the first elimination challenge, and I don't care what the judges say about each challenge standing on its own, that was just unforgivable.

So it is student Patrick who goes home first. He does so graciously with only a hint of "Well, I'm a culinary student" about him. Patrick and Lauren, we hardly knew ye.