TV Review: Real Chance at Love Episode 5

The episode opens with Kiki saying that she wants to calm down and not cause so much drama, because she wants to show Real that she can be his kind of woman. Ya think that's a good strategy, especially since you were the last to get your chain last time??? But you and I know that it's not going to last. Really.

Meatball was almost on the chopping block with Chance, so she goes to see Chance, who is hiding behind the sofa. He jumps out to surprise her. She's looking forward to a little one-on-one tete a tete with Chance to talk seriously (what is up with the delusions these girls have?) when in bounces Milf with a pair of booty-cutting short shorts. She bounces on Real's crotch for a few minutes. Meatball feels both disgusted and disrespected, especially when Chance tells her that she should have come in like that.

So fast forward to the mail. Risky is not as dumb as she looks, because she actually figures out that their activity for the day is going to involve dancing. The girls have to pick between black or red bottoms, which they also figure out are their teams. Chance and Real bring in Kaba Modern from America's Best Dance Crew, who will be helping the girls come up with an 80's dance routine. But first, they have to come up with names. The winning team will win dates with the guys.

So we have Mixed Spice ("because we're all different, like spices" -- your first pop trivia quiz, who said that) consisting of Bubbles, Milf, Meatball, KO, and Rabbit; and The Stallion-ettes (how original! how pandering! how exctaly what they're looking for!) consisting of Risky, Cali, Bay bay bay, Cornfed, and Kiki. Cornfed has the least dance skill of anybody on the team, and Bubbles is in her own world, not really following the choreography at all. AT all. So we get some really cheesy music from a really tinny (not a typo!) boombox. Mixed Spice does a creditable job, but the only really good performance is Rabbit's. Cue to the swelling violins and Real having a dreamy flashback overlaid with her heaving chest.

The Stallionettes, however, really turn it out, to say that they are struggling along with Cornfed. They have a tight routine and they are all together. So it is no surprise when they win.

Meatball struck out earlier, so now she wants to get a shot at Chance since she won't be having a date with him. She cooks spaghetti and meatballs, which promptly crashes and burns (literally in Chance's stomach). He's not sure if the meatballs are cooked all the way through, and the sauce is pure tomatoes, no spice. So he's burping and oh-god-ing for a long time after she leaves the room.

All the girls are excited, but Kiki says she is going to do whatever it takes to get next to her man. The Stallionaires perform at The Mint, then come down off the stage for some R&R with the ladies. Somehow, with five ladies and two men, the pushy Kiki ends up... at the end of the table. Sitting next to no one. So Real is flanked by Cornfed and Bay bay bay who take full opportunity of the situation. Kiki just sits there looking pissed, which is not a good look for her. Come to think of it, Kiki looking pissed is not a good look for anybody at that table. She did say before the date that "If any of these girls f*ck it up for me, there's gonna be problems." She comes home and bitches to the other girls about how she might as well have not gone on the date at all. They look properly sympathetic -- NOT! Kiki is New York reincarnated; I don't know if it takes more nerve or less to abuse people then expect them to be sympathetic, or to just go on about your business.

Rabbit and Cornfed decide to make cheesecake (what's up with the cooking? So far, nobody has made anything edible this season; they should remember that). Chance promptly spits it out, I guess remembering his earlier experience. Better to come out this way this end than any other way. Rabbit muses that she likes Chance, but she wants to see his serious, nurturing side, the side that won't be all jokey-jokey and will talk to her. You really want to see that side of him, Rabbit? You need to date Real, then, you dumb bunny.

Chance and Real decide to spend some time with each other's girls, since they figure they'll have to get to know them eventually. I think they're also doing some reconnaissance on the shifty ones.

At Chance's dinner, his opening "prayer" is "Let the shots go round," but this doesn't really set the pace for his Real-Girl audience. Kiki immediately starts bitching about Real and the way he treated her at dinner, whine whine whine, nag nag nag. Chance says he'll give a shout out to his brother. Cut out to the confessional where Chance says, "Bro! You better run! She's coming to kill you!" Milf says she's very impressed with Real's physical side while Bay bay bay rolls her eyes and says to herself that Real needs a woman, not a tramp. Cornfed says she likes Real a lot. KO gets emotional and goes on this tear about how she's not just looking for any guy, but a good guy, then blubbers about her father and trust and men. It's real bunny boiler stuff, but Chance seems intrigued and pretends to wipe a tear from his eye.

At Real's dinner, everybody holds hands and says grace. Real says that everybody needs to give thanks to God and asks if everybody there believes in God, to which there is a unanimous yes. Well, almost. Bubbles kind of mumbles something, so Real calls her on it. Bubbles says that she doesn't feel like she needs God to be a good person, because she's already a good person. Real replies that it's good to hear her express that because his brother loves the Lord and needs a woman who loves the Lord. Oops. Meatball tries to call Cali out for being an industry ho, but like Cali said, she won't be doing any of those tramps' make-up, so it won't help her career any.

And before we go any further, why does Cali get all the flack for that? Kiki freely admitted that she was a Video Vixen, that she's been in a bunch of videos and danced for a lot of "industry folks." Where's her flack?

Anyhow, after the dinners, both Chance and Real do some one-on-ones. Chance feels like he could make a connection with KO, and Real feels like he and Rabbit could be doing the Bunny Hop. He absolutely does not want to take Bubbles for a one-on-one because that vacant blinking gets to him. He can't do it. Meatball TOTALLY goes off in her one-on-one with Real, and he comes out thinking that she is just not strong enough to handle their lifestyle. On the other hand, he feels like Rabbit and he have a lot in common, and he kind of fishes around. Rabbit feels confused and nervous. She's still waiting for Chance to become serious and wishes she could combine the two of them.

Afterwards, Kiki comes over to bitch at Real in person this time. The nagging is really starting to annoy him. And Rabbit tries one more time to get Chance's attention, but she's not real smart about it. She approaches him while he's hugged up in the hot tub with Cali to give him... some swim trunks! No hot tub, no Cali, and something like a belt buckle with his name in rhinestones in it might have given her a better shot, but she gets a very tepid Thank you. She's starting to get fed up.

At elimination, Real has 5 picks and Chance has 4. Real picks Milf, and Chance picks Cali. That's when the shyte starts to hit the fan. Real then tries to pick Rabbit, but she declines. So he picks Cornfed. Chance picks Risky. Real tries to pick Rabbit AGAIN, but she declines because she doesn't do that to brothers. Real says it's cool with his brother, but Rabbit says it's just not who she is. So he picks Bay bay bay who is furiously crying because all her hard work is going unnoticed except as an afterthought. Chance picks Bubbles. Real asks Rabbit AGAIN if she wants his chain. She says no, so now he figures that he has struck out. He picks Kiki. Chance says that since Real has gone after one of his girls, he's going after one of Real's. KO sees the writing on the wall, and starts crying. She does NOT want Chance. At all. In the slightest. Plus, she is not a piece of meat (even though she went on a dating show for two brothers). So Chance picks Rabbit. And Rabbit is Rabid. She goes off on Chance and even gives him his necklace back, telling him that she turned his brother down, and she was waiting for Chance to pick her. She's been waiting and waiting for him and getting nothing in return. Chance is impressed with her passion and ends up giving her the chain. Real then picks KO, which she is also pissed off about having to accept at the bottom of the food chain.

So after all of that drama, it is Meatball who goes home, since Chance does not fell much of a connection with her. That raw tomato sauce must have eased it away.