Rocco's Dinner Party: Episode 2 (It's Not So Good To Be King)

Let my start off by saying that I'm coming late to the party. I watched Rocco crash and burn in fleeting glimpses on marathon weekends of his previous series. His ability to schmooze was the highlight; his immaturity was the definite lowlight. So watching him have dinner with his guests was surely going to be an exercise in restraint as they talked self-importantly about food.

I was actually wrong about that. His guests, at least for this episode, were interesting people, and the conversation flowed well. It definitely was not what I expected.

However, I found this episode disappointing on so many levels, the least of which is the treatment of crawfish ettouffee. But that's just the Louisianian in me. Rocco has traded his affable, boyish charm for a demeanor worthy of a German dominatrix, I guess in an effort to appear like a serious chef. It doesn't sit well on him, especially since he looks and dresses like yuppie. Ah well, on with the show...

Competing this week are Joel, Michelle, and King. Joel is a former fat kid who is now a culinary teacher at a high school, Michelle is a private chef and caterer, and King owns two restaurants in the city. Talk about your mismatched backgrounds! Only two of them will actually cook for Rocco and his guests, and this will be determined by a signature dish challenge. Each chef is to cook a dish that represents themselves, but they only have 30 minutes. Joel does a pan-seared duck breast. He starts off by making diagonal cuts in the fat to help it break down quicker. King is making Pancit Bihon, which is stir-fried rice noodles, which he plans on topping with some seared scallops. Michelle has chosen -gulp- crawfish ettouffee. Rocco is not pleased that she is taking so many shortcuts. He rightfully says that the roux needs to be cooked for at least an hour, but then he also gets on her case for -get this- using cooked and cleaned crawfish tails.

Hold up, wait a minute. When was the last time any of us Louisianians cooked just about any crawfish dish where you boiled the crawfish yourself, peeled them, then extracted the fat from the head? I didn't think so.

In the end, King's scallops don't make it to the dish because he didn't feel like they were cooked enough. Rocco, on the other hand, having seen them is now disappointed because although he says the flavors are still amazing, he is now wondering how much better the dish would have been with the scallops. Joel's duck breast is cooked perfectly, but Rocco finds the plate too academic and also objects to Joel's not poaching the salsify before he sauteed it. Michelle's crawfish ettouffee brings another WTF moment for me. First of all, she serves it WITHOUT RICE (I know that many of you at this point are making crosses in the air with your rosary beads). Second of all, she puts a crawfish head for garnish in the middle, and Rocco asks her if he's supposed to eat it whole. Seriously?? You can suck the head, Rocco, or you can eat the claws. Sadly, Michelle doesn't know what you're supposed to do with it, either, being from California. He does admit that it tastes better than he expected but uncooked flour is still uncooked flour, and ettouffee is a four-hour dish. Even Emeril says it's an hour and fifty minutes, Rocco.

So the chef who will not be cooking for Rocco's dinner party is Michelle, and the winner of the signature dish challenge is... Joel.

The theme of the dinner party is Mystery Guest. The chefs are given a dossier on a few facts about the mystery guest, and the chefs should plan their menus and venues around that. This mystery guest seems to be a seasoned world traveler with a taste for spices. As the winner of the signature dish challenge, Joel gets to pick the order in which he serves and which room he wants, which will dictate the atmosphere. They will both get the assistance of a party planner, Jes Gordon, who is probably the best thing about the show. I don't know if she really is Rocco's friend or what, but she breathes some fresh air into Rocco's stultifying atmosphere.

Joel is going for a more literal interpretation for both his menu and his decor. Jes Gordon says, in the second best line of the night, "Joel, man, let your freak flag fly." She does like the way that he wants to put a little of his personality into the room, as well as putting a lot of spices from the shelf. King is going for a more esoteric approach. He wants the room to have Balinese and Italian influences as opposed to being literal.

Once they have gone shopping at the Garden of Eden and returned, Joel, the teacher, starts unraveling. You can imagine that his theme music is Flight of the Bumblebee, whereas King is more The Well-Tempered Clavier. King does not like Joel's mise en place, and he would never hire him to work in one of his restaurants.

The guests for the night begin to arrive. They are Mary Alice Stephenson, Bebel Gilberto, Gilles Mendel, Cindi Leive, and DL Hughley. The mystery guest turns out to be none other than Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef. Rocco escorts her into the kitchen, where both Joel and King are surprised but pleased to see her. Judging by the look on Joel's face and the crack in his voice, she probably rebooted his puberty.

Her presence in the kitchen is not all pleasure. She has one of her spice blends, and the challenge is for the two chefs to create another appetizer in only 5 minutes. They both opt for fish, but Joel's tuna trumps King's salmon.

This little visit seems to have placed Joel's already bad nerves into high gear, but the dry chicken confit has him scrambling for another appetizer. He elects for a Parmesan Tuile with prosciutto. The guests all agree that the contents of the cracker are too much for the delicacy of the cracker, and it falls apart. His next appetizer is steamed mussels and clams, which two of the guests do not like -- before they taste it. Then they undergo a conversion of sorts. There's a little bit of confusion here, as culinary teacher Joel's nerves overtake him, and he asks if the guests have played the game he left for them underneath their plates. The next dish is a Borlotti bean stew with a homemade Dijon sausage, and the slates need to be removed so that hot plates can go on as planned. The waiters say no, so Joel issues an edict from the kitchen that they are to play before he serves the next course. It falls a little flat as they already have, but it does give Joel another opportunity to scream at the waiters. Padma finds the dish lacking in spices; all agree that the flavor of the Dijon mustard is underrepresented and Gilles would have liked some mustard to be served on the side.

The final dish is a Sourdough Bread Budding with Cardamom and Scotch ice cream. The more adventurous guests enjoy it, while DL Hughley is left telling Sri Lankans that they should evict cardamom from their country -- and make it take saffron with them.

In one of the most alcohol-infused moments ever, Padma describes her most favorite potato skin recipe ever. DL Hughley gets fanned and asks for a cigarette while the other guests fan him. It's a silly, completely nonessential moment and seems a little contrived even. Which is why it's in a vignette all by itself and not part of the regular dinner party conversation.

Now it's onto King's Dinner. The guests are awed by the pretty surroundings and Padma loves the Vespa in the corner. All of the ladies like the idea of slipping out of their stilettos into slippers, and Rocco pronounces the introduction of lychee bellinis as a cheat, since everything tastes good with lychee. King's appetizer is a trio: pork ribs, spring rolls, and grilled shrimp on salad. This goes over well, except that Mary Alice thinks the smell is unpleasant, while Padma thinks it's wonderful, and suggests that maybe it's the combination of smells. Come on out and say it, Padma: Mary Alice is NOT an adventurous foodie. The next dish is seafood curry with rice. Everyone likes it except for DL Hughley, who likes it but does not feel that King has pushed himself outside of his comfort zone. His complaint seems to be that King cooked things that everyone liked. The dessert is the Coconut Lemongrass Panna Cotta which everyone loves and Rocco keeps repeating is technically perfect.

It's decision time, and now it's Rocco's call. And the winner is... Joel, who squeals in delight at his having bested a master. As it turns out, DL's quote of "Fortune favors the bold" seems to have resonated with Rocco, and Joel's decision to serve sausage and beans trumps a seafood curry (if you can't tell, I am being hughley sarcastic here). King rightfully proclaims that he was robbed, and I totally agree with him. Especially since he provides the best line of the night, "I got robbed New York style. Somebody came up and snatched my chain."

Amen, brother.

TV REVIEW: Top Chef Episode 2

The chefs are already down to 15 and it's only the second elimination challenge. Ariane is already feeling the burn -- she is older than everybody else and less knowledgeable (and from the looks of it, less desiring to learn, too). Stefan proclaims that his biggest challenge is Fabio, and Fabio says that Stefan is his. He says that it is cool with him that Stefan is winning some challenges, because it's not how many dragons you kill, it's who takes home the princess.

Padma walks into the kitchen with their guest chef for the day, Donatella Arpaia, celebra-chef and owner of three renowned restaurants. Padma announces that for the Quickfire challenge, they will have to cook a classic New York dish, but in a Top Chef first, they will not only be competing against each other, but they will be up against a master. The Master rolls her little hot dog stand in and the chefs start to panic. They actually have to make a hot dog that's good enough to stand against a New York idyll. Ariane hasn't made a hot dog since charcuterie class. Hosea has never made one. Fabio loves hot dogs, but can he make one? No! (Those previous two sentences must be said with a strong Italian accent and a few hand gestures).

On the losing end, there's Jill's summer roll hot dog (which uses commercial hot dogs) and Stefan's Italian sausage pannini, which is not hot dog-like at all. Stefan says, "Whatever. I'm boiling; I'm upset." At the other end, Radhika's kabob-style hot dog with Indian flavor, Hosea's short and chunky pork hot dogs with bacon and hot peppers, and Fabio's Andouille sausage get top marks, but Radhika, who had said that she wasn't going to rely on her Indian background because she didn't want to be typecast, walks away with immunity.

Notice, I'm not hating on Radhika for using her Indian culture, AT ALL. In fact, it seems to serve her much better to do that than when she tries to be a frou-frou chef. As we shall see later on in this wpisode.

Once they announce the winner, it is time to move on to the Elimination which is to open a Top Chef restaurant. They must serve a 3-course New American lunch menu, which Jamie says is classic American flavors taken to the next level. Their audience will be 50 New Yorkers. After Padma and Donatella leave, there is pandemonium with people shouting out what they are going to do. Finally, Jeffrey takes charge and doesn't so much divide people up as he tells them to shut up and actually get down to business. Once that's done they head out for the store which is overrun with soccer moms. Add 15 enthusiastic chefs to the mix and it looks like they're "trying to rob the place," as Jeffrey observes.

Everybody is scrambling to find the ingredients for their dishes. Hosea has a specific appetizer in mind, but the store does not sell Dungeness crab. He settles instead for canned crab. Fabio does not compromise on filet mignon for his beef carpaccio. Jill sees an ostrich egg and decides that she wants to try to stand out with an unusual ingredient. But as Jamie's safe, there's a big gap between playing it safe and playing it ridiculous, and Jill is playing it ridiculous. She can't even crack the egg once they get back to the kitchens.

The sections have two hours to prep. The appetizer section works really well together, and it shows. Tom Colicchio comes in and announces that they are cooking at his restaurant, Craft. He also tells our hapless crew that their customers will be 50 New York chef who tried out for the show, but did not make it (cue the dun-dun-dun-DUN! disaster music here). On that note, the chefs head back for the apartment.

Fabio and Stefan continue their bromance, complete with slaps and insults at home. Fabio confides that they are getting close, but he will still be pissed off if Stefan wins. On the romance side, Leah and Hosea are also doing the slap and tickle thing. Well, actually it's mostly Leah, who claims that she has to have a boyfriend, or else she goes a little crazy. Judging by Hosea's aloofness, he might get some, but that's all he's after.

Most of the chefs are nervous about having to cook in a new restaurant, much less Tom Colicchio's restaurant, but they relax once they get in there. The kitchen is nicely sectioned off, and everybody has a nice work area. Ariane, in the meantime, is running around asking people about her lemon meringue martini. The nice people all tell her it is too sweet, but does Ariane listen and remake it? Absolutely not. Daniel the snake confides that he's not going to help Ariane at all and tell her that it's good because this is a competition. Like Ariane would not be going home anyway. The diners come in and you know you're dealing with a hostile crowd when they start bitching just reading the menu! These people are out for blood.

Tom Colicchio and Damon Wise, his chef will be expediting the tickets. There are a few people for whom they have to wait, some with good effect, some not so good. Hosea's canned crab is definitely not a crowd pleaser, nor are Leah's sandy seared scallops, Jill's gluey ostrich quiche, Ariane's appalling sweet lemon meringue martini (Padma spits it out), Hosea's canned and off-flavored crab, and Radhika's puzzling avocado mousse. The judges comment that they know Radhika has immunity for that dish. They are ambivalent about Melissa's boring grilled avocado, Eugene's decent but sloppily presented meatloaf sandwich, Alex's bland pork tenderloin, and Richard's banana bread-peanut butter sandwich (which Donatella says is an afterschool snack). The high marks from both the diners and the judges go to Jamie's corn soup, Fabio's beef carpaccio, Stefan's pan-seared halibut, Jeff's chicken with honey mustard, Daniel's pound cake, and Carla's apple tart.

After service is over, Tom joins the judges at the table and says that the evening went really well -- except for some bad food. He notes that New American style has come along so far in the past 20 years, and many of the chefs dragged it right back. He is very disapointed in many of the dishes, especially since last week was so promising.

There aren't any real surprises at judges table. Tom calls in Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Carla, Jill, and Fabio and tell them that they represent the best and the worst. They inform Carla that her pastry is excellent and they wished she had worked in the cheddar a little better, but her pastry places the dish over the top. Then they turn to Fabio and ask him about his dish, and he starts going off about how he makes hundreds of these a week, and he doesn't understand what went wrong. As soon as they can get a word in edgewise, they tell him that they loved his dish. The beef was great, and the olives that he treated specially took the dish to another level. They also liked Jamie's corn soup. It was good and had a bit of a texture to it, so it tasted like good fresh corn. After only a teensy bit of deliberation, Fabio is pronounced the winner. Despite his earlier speech about slaying dragons, he is really excited about winning the challenge and exults in Italian, noting that Europe is tying up the competition.

And now for the bad news. Hosea really doesn't understand why he's there. Tom then gives him a list: too sweet, missing salt, ingredients didn't mesh together well. Padma says that his dish was almost universally panned by the other chefs. They tell Ariane that her dish was not interesting and did not stand out. Padma also notes that it was violently sweet, and she spat it out. Jill's ostrich quiche, says the judges, was not very distinguished and the flavors did not go together well. They ask Jill what her thought process was. Jill starts babbling about time and her nerves and she really doesn't know what went wrong. Then they ask her what she would do differently and she starts babbling about time and her nerves and she really doesn't know what went wrong (that's not a typo; she really did just stand up there babbling the same thing over and over, no matter what they asked her).

They send them away to deliberate, and Padma notes that Jill's defense was the lamest in 5 seasons, and the judges already know how she feels about Ariane. Gail says that what was so wrong with Hosea's dish was that she couldn't really pinpoint anything; it just tasted bad. Tom has problems with the fact that Hosea couldn't pin down anything wrong. So they call them back in to make their announcements.

Tom tells Hosea that he's too complacent considering his competition. He tells Ariane that the competition is too close for her to be so-so. And his note to Jill is that having a good idea is not good enough if you can't execute it properly. In the end, it is Jill's gluey ostrich quiche that has to go. While Jill drones on about opportunities and finding herself as a chef, Ariane is bawling because she is once again in the bottom. Hey, somebody has to be there, right? And if you're going to continue to ignore other people's advice, you'll be there again next week.

TV REVIEW: Top Chef New York, Episode 1

It's Noo Yawk, youse guys -- and Padma and Tom get to business right then and there. The contestants spend a few minutes schmoozing on the ferry and there's even a reunion -- Lauren and Patrick were compadres at culinary school. Richard is anxious to see Tom (because he thinks he's a hottie), and his inner queen is screaming to see what Padma's wearing. Decision time, however, is waiting for them before they've even unpacked their bags. Padma and Tom both say that New York is one of the toughest places to make it, but if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. With that said, it's time for the first Quickfire, which holds not only immunity, but elimination. Someone will be eliminated without ever even having seen the hotel. It will be a 3-part elimination with an increasingly smaller elimination group. For the first part, the chefs must peel 15 apples -- using only a knife like the rest of us poor schlubs do it). So they set to peeling, and Stefan emerges as the winner. This earns him immunity, about which he is very pleased. 8 other chefs move along with him to the top spots in the competition.

For the second part of the challenge, the chefs must brunoise (very small dice) 2 cups of apples. After 3 good brunoises and one from Jill that has to be sent back (but she recovers and earns her spot), there are four chefs left: Radhika, Lauren, Patrick, and Leah. I am most pleased to note that 3 of my novelty choices are in the bottom four.

For the final part of the challenge, the chefs have 20 minutes to cook something using apples. Lauren and Patrick really show their inexperience (and the fact that they do not watch this show) by making salad. Salad! And Lauren's only protein is bacon! Naturally, she and Patrick are at the bottom, probably because neither of them cooked a darned thing. Except bacon.

In the end, it is Lauren, the uber-cocky, free-form chef who is doing this because she has nothing better to do while her husband is in Iraq, who is sent home. Her parting shot? "I'm going down on apples!"

Tom and Padma waste no time in introducing the remaining 16 chefs to the knife block, where they must pull knives and pair up. Each pair has to draw inspiration from a particular neighborhood from New York and cook a representative ethnic dish. They will, however, not be cooking as a team, but go head to head with each other, which makes it tough on both the competitors and the judges. There's no real way of establishing a cooking hierarchy because they're comparing one on one, not one versus everyone else.

Now is the time for the teams to get together and relax. The Gays (Jamie, Patrick, and Richard) find each other and dub themselves Team Rainbow. The Europeans Fabio and Stefan also make a formidable pair. Both are loud and Stefan especially is very abrasive. He's already rubbing people the wrong way -- and by people, I mean Daniel in particular. Other people chitchat pleasantly and just watch the fireworks.

The next day is all business with a lot of smack-talking. Team Ozone Park (Latin) features Jeffrey and Fabio. Both claim to know a lot about Latin food and brag about winning. Jeffrey's lackadaisical attitude towards time, however, leaves him scrambling to plate his dish at the end. Team Astoria (Greek) finds two of the members of Team Rainbow, Jamie and Richard, going head to head. Jamie is all business, although Richard keeps trying to engage her in conversation. Team Little India (Indian) is Eugene versus Alex, neither one of whom has much experience with Indian cuisine. Team Queens (Jamaican) has Radhika pitted against Jill. Radhika is concerned about already being on the bottom and really wants to prove herself now.

Team Brighton Beach (Russian) features another pair who don't know too much about the food they're cooking, Carla and Hosea. Carla is looking for her spirit guide to help her (uh-huh), and while Hosea doesn't couch it in so frou-frou terms, he says that he just wants to cook something that might taste vaguely Russian. Team Long Island City (Middle Eastern) has the decidedly underconfident Ariane versus the megalomaniac, Stefan. Ariane wants to prove to herself that she is good at what she does, while Stefan already knows that he is good at what he does and wants everybody else to know it. Team Chinatown (Chinese) has Daniel and Patrick, both of whom are confident in their ability to deliver authentic Chinese. Patrick is so confident, in fact, that he selects some black rice noodles, which he has never cooked with before, but figures it can't be too hard (that's called foreshadowing). Team Little Italy (Italian) sees Leah versus Melissa in a battle of old school Italian versus new school.

The guest judge for the evening is Jean-George Vongerichten, the first chef to win both best new restaurant and outstanding chef in the same year. Everyone is suitably impressed and highly nervous (except, of course, for Stefan). And the winners are Jeffrey (Ozone Park), Jamie (Astoria), Eugene (Little India), Jill (Queens), Hosea (Brighton Beach), Stefan (Long Island City), Daniel (Chinatown), and Leah (Little Italy). The judges are especially impressed with Eugene, who has never cooked Indian food before, but who Padma says has unwittingly cooked a classic home-cooked Indian meal; Stefan, who has a lot going on but it doesn't feel like it; and Leah, whose meal is both seasoned and cooked well. Padma notes that in all but one season, whoever wins the first elimination challenge usually wins it all, and is pleased to announce that ... Stefan is the winner. Some may be surprised, but Stefan is definitely not. He thinks that this is the year for a European to win; the Americans have had their turn.

And so amidst complaints of bad texture, undercooked faro, gummy noodles, and lack of seasoning, Ariane and Patrick are on the bottom. Ariane's undercooked faro and underwhelming excuses don't impress the judges, who tell Ariane that she needs to get out of her comfort zone and experience other cuisines in the world. She then makes the boneheaded reply that that's why she has books. Uh... Poor Ariane. You need to get out more. Patrick makes a plea that he has passion. Yup, but he made a salad at the first elimination challenge, and I don't care what the judges say about each challenge standing on its own, that was just unforgivable.

So it is student Patrick who goes home first. He does so graciously with only a hint of "Well, I'm a culinary student" about him. Patrick and Lauren, we hardly knew ye.