TV REVIEW: Top Chef Episode 2

The chefs are already down to 15 and it's only the second elimination challenge. Ariane is already feeling the burn -- she is older than everybody else and less knowledgeable (and from the looks of it, less desiring to learn, too). Stefan proclaims that his biggest challenge is Fabio, and Fabio says that Stefan is his. He says that it is cool with him that Stefan is winning some challenges, because it's not how many dragons you kill, it's who takes home the princess.

Padma walks into the kitchen with their guest chef for the day, Donatella Arpaia, celebra-chef and owner of three renowned restaurants. Padma announces that for the Quickfire challenge, they will have to cook a classic New York dish, but in a Top Chef first, they will not only be competing against each other, but they will be up against a master. The Master rolls her little hot dog stand in and the chefs start to panic. They actually have to make a hot dog that's good enough to stand against a New York idyll. Ariane hasn't made a hot dog since charcuterie class. Hosea has never made one. Fabio loves hot dogs, but can he make one? No! (Those previous two sentences must be said with a strong Italian accent and a few hand gestures).

On the losing end, there's Jill's summer roll hot dog (which uses commercial hot dogs) and Stefan's Italian sausage pannini, which is not hot dog-like at all. Stefan says, "Whatever. I'm boiling; I'm upset." At the other end, Radhika's kabob-style hot dog with Indian flavor, Hosea's short and chunky pork hot dogs with bacon and hot peppers, and Fabio's Andouille sausage get top marks, but Radhika, who had said that she wasn't going to rely on her Indian background because she didn't want to be typecast, walks away with immunity.

Notice, I'm not hating on Radhika for using her Indian culture, AT ALL. In fact, it seems to serve her much better to do that than when she tries to be a frou-frou chef. As we shall see later on in this wpisode.

Once they announce the winner, it is time to move on to the Elimination which is to open a Top Chef restaurant. They must serve a 3-course New American lunch menu, which Jamie says is classic American flavors taken to the next level. Their audience will be 50 New Yorkers. After Padma and Donatella leave, there is pandemonium with people shouting out what they are going to do. Finally, Jeffrey takes charge and doesn't so much divide people up as he tells them to shut up and actually get down to business. Once that's done they head out for the store which is overrun with soccer moms. Add 15 enthusiastic chefs to the mix and it looks like they're "trying to rob the place," as Jeffrey observes.

Everybody is scrambling to find the ingredients for their dishes. Hosea has a specific appetizer in mind, but the store does not sell Dungeness crab. He settles instead for canned crab. Fabio does not compromise on filet mignon for his beef carpaccio. Jill sees an ostrich egg and decides that she wants to try to stand out with an unusual ingredient. But as Jamie's safe, there's a big gap between playing it safe and playing it ridiculous, and Jill is playing it ridiculous. She can't even crack the egg once they get back to the kitchens.

The sections have two hours to prep. The appetizer section works really well together, and it shows. Tom Colicchio comes in and announces that they are cooking at his restaurant, Craft. He also tells our hapless crew that their customers will be 50 New York chef who tried out for the show, but did not make it (cue the dun-dun-dun-DUN! disaster music here). On that note, the chefs head back for the apartment.

Fabio and Stefan continue their bromance, complete with slaps and insults at home. Fabio confides that they are getting close, but he will still be pissed off if Stefan wins. On the romance side, Leah and Hosea are also doing the slap and tickle thing. Well, actually it's mostly Leah, who claims that she has to have a boyfriend, or else she goes a little crazy. Judging by Hosea's aloofness, he might get some, but that's all he's after.

Most of the chefs are nervous about having to cook in a new restaurant, much less Tom Colicchio's restaurant, but they relax once they get in there. The kitchen is nicely sectioned off, and everybody has a nice work area. Ariane, in the meantime, is running around asking people about her lemon meringue martini. The nice people all tell her it is too sweet, but does Ariane listen and remake it? Absolutely not. Daniel the snake confides that he's not going to help Ariane at all and tell her that it's good because this is a competition. Like Ariane would not be going home anyway. The diners come in and you know you're dealing with a hostile crowd when they start bitching just reading the menu! These people are out for blood.

Tom Colicchio and Damon Wise, his chef will be expediting the tickets. There are a few people for whom they have to wait, some with good effect, some not so good. Hosea's canned crab is definitely not a crowd pleaser, nor are Leah's sandy seared scallops, Jill's gluey ostrich quiche, Ariane's appalling sweet lemon meringue martini (Padma spits it out), Hosea's canned and off-flavored crab, and Radhika's puzzling avocado mousse. The judges comment that they know Radhika has immunity for that dish. They are ambivalent about Melissa's boring grilled avocado, Eugene's decent but sloppily presented meatloaf sandwich, Alex's bland pork tenderloin, and Richard's banana bread-peanut butter sandwich (which Donatella says is an afterschool snack). The high marks from both the diners and the judges go to Jamie's corn soup, Fabio's beef carpaccio, Stefan's pan-seared halibut, Jeff's chicken with honey mustard, Daniel's pound cake, and Carla's apple tart.

After service is over, Tom joins the judges at the table and says that the evening went really well -- except for some bad food. He notes that New American style has come along so far in the past 20 years, and many of the chefs dragged it right back. He is very disapointed in many of the dishes, especially since last week was so promising.

There aren't any real surprises at judges table. Tom calls in Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Carla, Jill, and Fabio and tell them that they represent the best and the worst. They inform Carla that her pastry is excellent and they wished she had worked in the cheddar a little better, but her pastry places the dish over the top. Then they turn to Fabio and ask him about his dish, and he starts going off about how he makes hundreds of these a week, and he doesn't understand what went wrong. As soon as they can get a word in edgewise, they tell him that they loved his dish. The beef was great, and the olives that he treated specially took the dish to another level. They also liked Jamie's corn soup. It was good and had a bit of a texture to it, so it tasted like good fresh corn. After only a teensy bit of deliberation, Fabio is pronounced the winner. Despite his earlier speech about slaying dragons, he is really excited about winning the challenge and exults in Italian, noting that Europe is tying up the competition.

And now for the bad news. Hosea really doesn't understand why he's there. Tom then gives him a list: too sweet, missing salt, ingredients didn't mesh together well. Padma says that his dish was almost universally panned by the other chefs. They tell Ariane that her dish was not interesting and did not stand out. Padma also notes that it was violently sweet, and she spat it out. Jill's ostrich quiche, says the judges, was not very distinguished and the flavors did not go together well. They ask Jill what her thought process was. Jill starts babbling about time and her nerves and she really doesn't know what went wrong. Then they ask her what she would do differently and she starts babbling about time and her nerves and she really doesn't know what went wrong (that's not a typo; she really did just stand up there babbling the same thing over and over, no matter what they asked her).

They send them away to deliberate, and Padma notes that Jill's defense was the lamest in 5 seasons, and the judges already know how she feels about Ariane. Gail says that what was so wrong with Hosea's dish was that she couldn't really pinpoint anything; it just tasted bad. Tom has problems with the fact that Hosea couldn't pin down anything wrong. So they call them back in to make their announcements.

Tom tells Hosea that he's too complacent considering his competition. He tells Ariane that the competition is too close for her to be so-so. And his note to Jill is that having a good idea is not good enough if you can't execute it properly. In the end, it is Jill's gluey ostrich quiche that has to go. While Jill drones on about opportunities and finding herself as a chef, Ariane is bawling because she is once again in the bottom. Hey, somebody has to be there, right? And if you're going to continue to ignore other people's advice, you'll be there again next week.

TV REVIEW: Top Chef New York, Episode 1

It's Noo Yawk, youse guys -- and Padma and Tom get to business right then and there. The contestants spend a few minutes schmoozing on the ferry and there's even a reunion -- Lauren and Patrick were compadres at culinary school. Richard is anxious to see Tom (because he thinks he's a hottie), and his inner queen is screaming to see what Padma's wearing. Decision time, however, is waiting for them before they've even unpacked their bags. Padma and Tom both say that New York is one of the toughest places to make it, but if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. With that said, it's time for the first Quickfire, which holds not only immunity, but elimination. Someone will be eliminated without ever even having seen the hotel. It will be a 3-part elimination with an increasingly smaller elimination group. For the first part, the chefs must peel 15 apples -- using only a knife like the rest of us poor schlubs do it). So they set to peeling, and Stefan emerges as the winner. This earns him immunity, about which he is very pleased. 8 other chefs move along with him to the top spots in the competition.

For the second part of the challenge, the chefs must brunoise (very small dice) 2 cups of apples. After 3 good brunoises and one from Jill that has to be sent back (but she recovers and earns her spot), there are four chefs left: Radhika, Lauren, Patrick, and Leah. I am most pleased to note that 3 of my novelty choices are in the bottom four.

For the final part of the challenge, the chefs have 20 minutes to cook something using apples. Lauren and Patrick really show their inexperience (and the fact that they do not watch this show) by making salad. Salad! And Lauren's only protein is bacon! Naturally, she and Patrick are at the bottom, probably because neither of them cooked a darned thing. Except bacon.

In the end, it is Lauren, the uber-cocky, free-form chef who is doing this because she has nothing better to do while her husband is in Iraq, who is sent home. Her parting shot? "I'm going down on apples!"

Tom and Padma waste no time in introducing the remaining 16 chefs to the knife block, where they must pull knives and pair up. Each pair has to draw inspiration from a particular neighborhood from New York and cook a representative ethnic dish. They will, however, not be cooking as a team, but go head to head with each other, which makes it tough on both the competitors and the judges. There's no real way of establishing a cooking hierarchy because they're comparing one on one, not one versus everyone else.

Now is the time for the teams to get together and relax. The Gays (Jamie, Patrick, and Richard) find each other and dub themselves Team Rainbow. The Europeans Fabio and Stefan also make a formidable pair. Both are loud and Stefan especially is very abrasive. He's already rubbing people the wrong way -- and by people, I mean Daniel in particular. Other people chitchat pleasantly and just watch the fireworks.

The next day is all business with a lot of smack-talking. Team Ozone Park (Latin) features Jeffrey and Fabio. Both claim to know a lot about Latin food and brag about winning. Jeffrey's lackadaisical attitude towards time, however, leaves him scrambling to plate his dish at the end. Team Astoria (Greek) finds two of the members of Team Rainbow, Jamie and Richard, going head to head. Jamie is all business, although Richard keeps trying to engage her in conversation. Team Little India (Indian) is Eugene versus Alex, neither one of whom has much experience with Indian cuisine. Team Queens (Jamaican) has Radhika pitted against Jill. Radhika is concerned about already being on the bottom and really wants to prove herself now.

Team Brighton Beach (Russian) features another pair who don't know too much about the food they're cooking, Carla and Hosea. Carla is looking for her spirit guide to help her (uh-huh), and while Hosea doesn't couch it in so frou-frou terms, he says that he just wants to cook something that might taste vaguely Russian. Team Long Island City (Middle Eastern) has the decidedly underconfident Ariane versus the megalomaniac, Stefan. Ariane wants to prove to herself that she is good at what she does, while Stefan already knows that he is good at what he does and wants everybody else to know it. Team Chinatown (Chinese) has Daniel and Patrick, both of whom are confident in their ability to deliver authentic Chinese. Patrick is so confident, in fact, that he selects some black rice noodles, which he has never cooked with before, but figures it can't be too hard (that's called foreshadowing). Team Little Italy (Italian) sees Leah versus Melissa in a battle of old school Italian versus new school.

The guest judge for the evening is Jean-George Vongerichten, the first chef to win both best new restaurant and outstanding chef in the same year. Everyone is suitably impressed and highly nervous (except, of course, for Stefan). And the winners are Jeffrey (Ozone Park), Jamie (Astoria), Eugene (Little India), Jill (Queens), Hosea (Brighton Beach), Stefan (Long Island City), Daniel (Chinatown), and Leah (Little Italy). The judges are especially impressed with Eugene, who has never cooked Indian food before, but who Padma says has unwittingly cooked a classic home-cooked Indian meal; Stefan, who has a lot going on but it doesn't feel like it; and Leah, whose meal is both seasoned and cooked well. Padma notes that in all but one season, whoever wins the first elimination challenge usually wins it all, and is pleased to announce that ... Stefan is the winner. Some may be surprised, but Stefan is definitely not. He thinks that this is the year for a European to win; the Americans have had their turn.

And so amidst complaints of bad texture, undercooked faro, gummy noodles, and lack of seasoning, Ariane and Patrick are on the bottom. Ariane's undercooked faro and underwhelming excuses don't impress the judges, who tell Ariane that she needs to get out of her comfort zone and experience other cuisines in the world. She then makes the boneheaded reply that that's why she has books. Uh... Poor Ariane. You need to get out more. Patrick makes a plea that he has passion. Yup, but he made a salad at the first elimination challenge, and I don't care what the judges say about each challenge standing on its own, that was just unforgivable.

So it is student Patrick who goes home first. He does so graciously with only a hint of "Well, I'm a culinary student" about him. Patrick and Lauren, we hardly knew ye.