Rocco's Dinner Party: Episode 2 (It's Not So Good To Be King)

Let my start off by saying that I'm coming late to the party. I watched Rocco crash and burn in fleeting glimpses on marathon weekends of his previous series. His ability to schmooze was the highlight; his immaturity was the definite lowlight. So watching him have dinner with his guests was surely going to be an exercise in restraint as they talked self-importantly about food.

I was actually wrong about that. His guests, at least for this episode, were interesting people, and the conversation flowed well. It definitely was not what I expected.

However, I found this episode disappointing on so many levels, the least of which is the treatment of crawfish ettouffee. But that's just the Louisianian in me. Rocco has traded his affable, boyish charm for a demeanor worthy of a German dominatrix, I guess in an effort to appear like a serious chef. It doesn't sit well on him, especially since he looks and dresses like yuppie. Ah well, on with the show...

Competing this week are Joel, Michelle, and King. Joel is a former fat kid who is now a culinary teacher at a high school, Michelle is a private chef and caterer, and King owns two restaurants in the city. Talk about your mismatched backgrounds! Only two of them will actually cook for Rocco and his guests, and this will be determined by a signature dish challenge. Each chef is to cook a dish that represents themselves, but they only have 30 minutes. Joel does a pan-seared duck breast. He starts off by making diagonal cuts in the fat to help it break down quicker. King is making Pancit Bihon, which is stir-fried rice noodles, which he plans on topping with some seared scallops. Michelle has chosen -gulp- crawfish ettouffee. Rocco is not pleased that she is taking so many shortcuts. He rightfully says that the roux needs to be cooked for at least an hour, but then he also gets on her case for -get this- using cooked and cleaned crawfish tails.

Hold up, wait a minute. When was the last time any of us Louisianians cooked just about any crawfish dish where you boiled the crawfish yourself, peeled them, then extracted the fat from the head? I didn't think so.

In the end, King's scallops don't make it to the dish because he didn't feel like they were cooked enough. Rocco, on the other hand, having seen them is now disappointed because although he says the flavors are still amazing, he is now wondering how much better the dish would have been with the scallops. Joel's duck breast is cooked perfectly, but Rocco finds the plate too academic and also objects to Joel's not poaching the salsify before he sauteed it. Michelle's crawfish ettouffee brings another WTF moment for me. First of all, she serves it WITHOUT RICE (I know that many of you at this point are making crosses in the air with your rosary beads). Second of all, she puts a crawfish head for garnish in the middle, and Rocco asks her if he's supposed to eat it whole. Seriously?? You can suck the head, Rocco, or you can eat the claws. Sadly, Michelle doesn't know what you're supposed to do with it, either, being from California. He does admit that it tastes better than he expected but uncooked flour is still uncooked flour, and ettouffee is a four-hour dish. Even Emeril says it's an hour and fifty minutes, Rocco.

So the chef who will not be cooking for Rocco's dinner party is Michelle, and the winner of the signature dish challenge is... Joel.

The theme of the dinner party is Mystery Guest. The chefs are given a dossier on a few facts about the mystery guest, and the chefs should plan their menus and venues around that. This mystery guest seems to be a seasoned world traveler with a taste for spices. As the winner of the signature dish challenge, Joel gets to pick the order in which he serves and which room he wants, which will dictate the atmosphere. They will both get the assistance of a party planner, Jes Gordon, who is probably the best thing about the show. I don't know if she really is Rocco's friend or what, but she breathes some fresh air into Rocco's stultifying atmosphere.

Joel is going for a more literal interpretation for both his menu and his decor. Jes Gordon says, in the second best line of the night, "Joel, man, let your freak flag fly." She does like the way that he wants to put a little of his personality into the room, as well as putting a lot of spices from the shelf. King is going for a more esoteric approach. He wants the room to have Balinese and Italian influences as opposed to being literal.

Once they have gone shopping at the Garden of Eden and returned, Joel, the teacher, starts unraveling. You can imagine that his theme music is Flight of the Bumblebee, whereas King is more The Well-Tempered Clavier. King does not like Joel's mise en place, and he would never hire him to work in one of his restaurants.

The guests for the night begin to arrive. They are Mary Alice Stephenson, Bebel Gilberto, Gilles Mendel, Cindi Leive, and DL Hughley. The mystery guest turns out to be none other than Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef. Rocco escorts her into the kitchen, where both Joel and King are surprised but pleased to see her. Judging by the look on Joel's face and the crack in his voice, she probably rebooted his puberty.

Her presence in the kitchen is not all pleasure. She has one of her spice blends, and the challenge is for the two chefs to create another appetizer in only 5 minutes. They both opt for fish, but Joel's tuna trumps King's salmon.

This little visit seems to have placed Joel's already bad nerves into high gear, but the dry chicken confit has him scrambling for another appetizer. He elects for a Parmesan Tuile with prosciutto. The guests all agree that the contents of the cracker are too much for the delicacy of the cracker, and it falls apart. His next appetizer is steamed mussels and clams, which two of the guests do not like -- before they taste it. Then they undergo a conversion of sorts. There's a little bit of confusion here, as culinary teacher Joel's nerves overtake him, and he asks if the guests have played the game he left for them underneath their plates. The next dish is a Borlotti bean stew with a homemade Dijon sausage, and the slates need to be removed so that hot plates can go on as planned. The waiters say no, so Joel issues an edict from the kitchen that they are to play before he serves the next course. It falls a little flat as they already have, but it does give Joel another opportunity to scream at the waiters. Padma finds the dish lacking in spices; all agree that the flavor of the Dijon mustard is underrepresented and Gilles would have liked some mustard to be served on the side.

The final dish is a Sourdough Bread Budding with Cardamom and Scotch ice cream. The more adventurous guests enjoy it, while DL Hughley is left telling Sri Lankans that they should evict cardamom from their country -- and make it take saffron with them.

In one of the most alcohol-infused moments ever, Padma describes her most favorite potato skin recipe ever. DL Hughley gets fanned and asks for a cigarette while the other guests fan him. It's a silly, completely nonessential moment and seems a little contrived even. Which is why it's in a vignette all by itself and not part of the regular dinner party conversation.

Now it's onto King's Dinner. The guests are awed by the pretty surroundings and Padma loves the Vespa in the corner. All of the ladies like the idea of slipping out of their stilettos into slippers, and Rocco pronounces the introduction of lychee bellinis as a cheat, since everything tastes good with lychee. King's appetizer is a trio: pork ribs, spring rolls, and grilled shrimp on salad. This goes over well, except that Mary Alice thinks the smell is unpleasant, while Padma thinks it's wonderful, and suggests that maybe it's the combination of smells. Come on out and say it, Padma: Mary Alice is NOT an adventurous foodie. The next dish is seafood curry with rice. Everyone likes it except for DL Hughley, who likes it but does not feel that King has pushed himself outside of his comfort zone. His complaint seems to be that King cooked things that everyone liked. The dessert is the Coconut Lemongrass Panna Cotta which everyone loves and Rocco keeps repeating is technically perfect.

It's decision time, and now it's Rocco's call. And the winner is... Joel, who squeals in delight at his having bested a master. As it turns out, DL's quote of "Fortune favors the bold" seems to have resonated with Rocco, and Joel's decision to serve sausage and beans trumps a seafood curry (if you can't tell, I am being hughley sarcastic here). King rightfully proclaims that he was robbed, and I totally agree with him. Especially since he provides the best line of the night, "I got robbed New York style. Somebody came up and snatched my chain."

Amen, brother.